Apprehension

Dear diary,
As my scholastic adventure approaches I find myself apprehensive. I know that in the past I have done well but it's supposed to get harder. I kind of like being the smartest person in an average class. In high school I tested out of the main stream classes, and ended up in a few advanced placement classes. I hated those classes because when I was in classes with the really smart kids I was just in the middle of the pack. I have this weird thing where if I'm not doing better than others I feel like I'm failing.
Side note this is probably why I am so over weight, it takes me 12 -15 minutes to run a mile, other people can do it in a third of that, so I just walk and pretend I was never really trying. The thing is when I try and fail I have a hard time letting it go. Also when I slack off I have a hard time getting back on track.
I guess the good thing about going back to school is the accountability. I realized that if I don't get an A it really only affects me but there are deadlines and standards that someone is holding me to. I thrive in these conditions, if I am the only one checking in on my progress nothing gets done. If someone else is looking over my shoulder I am trying to impress them or more accurately not give them a reason to judge me.
Back to my apprehension, I haven't attended classes in quite a while, so I'm afraid I will be a little rusty. My free flowing thoughts on this blog with no actual structure or formatting hasn't helped prepare me for writing essays. I guess at least I've been writing something.
I am afraid of so many aspects of returning to college, but I'm really excited, I feel like this will be a good thing for me. Who knows maybe I'll learn to be accountable to myself in addition to logarithms and the difference between cumulonimbus and  stratus clouds. That's what college is about right, learning about yourself and the world around you and how to balance the two.

Until next time,
Me

Finally a Vacation

Dear Diary,

Lately I have been feeling a little blah. SO and I try to take a vacation every year and since we have been unemployed it feels like forever since we have been anywhere. Well last weekend we had an unexpected opportunity to get out of town. I'm not going to lie I wish we would have gone farther away and for longer but at this point I think we need to take what we can get. It wasn't an international adventure like I would have preferred, but it did break the monotony of things a bit.

Until next time,
Me

What do you do when a good friendship goes bad?

Dear Diary,

I am having a hard time finding the easy that my relationship with BB used to have. Since we lived together and have since moved into separate places, every time we hang out it feels forced. I don't feel comfortable sharing my sucesses or struggles anymore. At the same time I have a hard time feeling genuinly happy or sympathetic for BB successes and struggles. I fear our friendship will never be what it was before, but maybe it only worked because we lived so far apart. I am finding that we have very little in common and even simple conversations require work and I find myself spacing out in the middle of our chats. I don't want to see our friendship end but I don't know how to fix it. Or if it can be fixed.

Until next time,
Me

I'm going back to school!

Dear Diary,

I know that I am always complaining that I don't feel that I have accomplished as much as I would have liked by this time in my life. One of the things that seems to get to me more than other things is that I never finished my bachelors degree. I have an associates and most of my lower level general eds that can transfer to a university (the associates degree is from a college with a different accreditation system than universities) but one thing or another has always stopped me from actually transferring those credits to a university and getting my bachelors.

Well with all the extra time I have on my hands lately I managed to apply to the local university and I was accepted. Okay I know that universities really accept everyone, but it still feels nice to hear someone say "you were accepted", makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Anyway I think this may help with some self esteem issues I have been having. BB has a bachelors and will sometimes make comments that make me feel like I am somehow less for not having one. Although BB has parents who paid for quite a bit of BB's education, where I have had to pay it all myself. I also feel like the jobs I used to get so easily before now are requiring bachelors degrees, guess when the economy sinks employers can require receptionists and mail room clerks to have bachelors degrees. Plus with SO having a PhD I've been feeling a little left behind in the academic area, it's only fair that I get a chance to get out there and learn all sorts of new things while SO works for awhile.

Anyway I'm excited to finish this chapter of my life that was started so many years ago and put on hold while other chapters were written.

Priorities

Dear Diary,

Why is it that I have such a hard time making priorities, my priority? I know what I need to be doing with my time, yet I find that I waste my time on nothing. The whole weekend I barely left my house, not because I was on-line looking for jobs, not because I was re-reading Atlas Shrugged for the scholarship essay I need, not because I was writing blogs or reading blogs. I was watching old movies on YouTube, (did you know you can watch whole movies there?) movies that I've already seen.

I have no control, well obviously I must have some control, I just don't exercise my control muscles enough; in fact they may have atrophied. I don't know whether to be relieved or disappointed that my lack of control is found in more places than just my diet. Actually I think I'm leaning toward disgusted. How does one develop self control? How do I make myself do what is good for me or productive instead of what is easy or more appealing? I know that I have a lot of free time with the job situation the way it is, but SO has just as much time and spends it learning new things and being generally productive. I want to be more disciplined but seem to lack the motivation. If anyone has any ideas I'm willing to listen.

Until next time,
Me

Balloons

Dear Diary,

It's time for more pictures. Mostly because it's that or write another negative, complaining post and I am trying to be more positive and up-lifting. What is more up-lifting than balloons?

 

So there it is something to brighten the day of all who visit this diary.

Until next time,

Me

Pet peeves

Dear Diary,

Yep I'm complaining again. Today's complaint is my new pet peeve; not responding to correspondence. I get that sometimes you want to think about something before you reply. I understand, but just say that. How hard would it be to say "I'd like to give this a little thought I'll get back to you shortly"? Maybe it's because I'm unemployed that people do not feel my time is valuable (factoring in the amount of time I spend watching T.V. shows and movies they may have a point) but I've found that I'm not getting responses.

I was planning on hitting up a couple stores that I knew APF would enjoy so I sent a text saying I was going and asked if APF would like to tag along. NOTHING, that's right no response at all. I waited hours to see if APF would reply but that was days ago and still nothing. I told some other friends that there was an event taking place near their house that SO and I would be interested in if they were free (I also told them there was no pressure because there was an event by us that we would also enjoy if they were not free). NOTHING, like I never even sent the message. Not to mention the hundreds of job applications I have sent out without hearing anything, not even a quick "Your skills do not match what we are looking for".

These are the examples that are fresh in my mind but I know there are more. I just don't understand, my feelings are not going to be hurt, I get that just because I don't have a life and can do things last minute doesn't mean other people can, but don't leave me hanging. Tell me you don't have the time, that you are not interested in the activity, or you just don't want to do whatever it is. Tell me I'm not a candidate for the job so I can scratch it off my list. I will understand, but radio silence? That just sucks.

Until next time,
Me

Still there is sadness

Dear Diary,

Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.

I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.

Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.

Until next time,
Me

Off days

Dear diary,

I hate when I have off days. When I feel irritated and grumpy for no apparent reason. Today is one of those days. I woke up in a normal state of mind (which for me is always a little tipped toward pessimistic, but not overly negative). SO made pancakes with fresh strawberries on top while I stayed in bed reading. I got up and had breakfast with SO and then we watched some TV shows on Netflix. Then we each spent time doing our own thing and had a salad for lunch. So far it sounds like a pleasant lazy Sunday right? Kind of, it has been but there is also this raging bubble of fury in-side me today and I don't know why. I have kept it under control and I have done an amazing job of not chewing SO's head off for putting too many tomatoes in my salad, or messing with my box of project stuff (all really minor infractions that normally I would barely notice, but today set the rage bubbling). I hate the feel of the rage bubble, sometimes I feel like if I just let it out I will feel better, but I have learned this is not the case. In fact I let it out and inevitably the person who the bubble of fury hits, will say something in their defense, which only leads to a bigger raging bubble of fiery fury taking the place of the bubble that was released.

What I need is a way to make a slow leak in the bubble like when you pinch a balloon and poke a hole so the air releases slowly instead of popping. Sometimes getting out of the house and away from people helps but other times like today the thought of leaving the house expands the bubble just a little more. It would be easier to deal with if I knew what put the raging  bubble of fury inside me in the first place, but I had a wonderful morning and SO has been more than accommodating to my grumpiness. YS sent a text asking what I was up to; which I ignored because dealing with YS is the quickest way to increase the bubbles and the fury. I have to say that the bubble has become less raging since the beginning of the post, maybe writing is the answer. It's still there but it's smaller and tamer, although I still feel off, like anything can trigger the raging bubble of fury to expand and explode, but the pressure from the bubble is receding. Maybe I'll just take my book and hide myself away somewhere until the slow leak can eliminate the bubble.

Does anyone else ever have days of inexplicable inscrutableness and anger? What do you do to calm your inner fury?

Until next time,
Me

Solo hike

Dear Diary,
A while ago I wanted to go for a hike, and couldn't find anyone who wanted to join me; so I went by myself. To be honest, I don't like to spend a lot of time by myself without some sort of distraction that keeps me from thinking, because my thoughts have a tendency to turn quite dark. I wanted to get out and if I let lack of companionship stop me I'd end up hiking half as much as I do and I already don't go as often as I should. Of course this solo hike did give me time to think which means I spent more time than is healthy focused on all the things I feel are wrong with my life. Then I made a friend:
 

Okay so she probably doesn't count as a friend but she let me get pretty close to take her picture which was very cool.

Until next time,
Me

Time

Dear Diary,

Why is it that the more time I have the less I seem to get accomplished? Today I didn't really have anything I needed to do besides a load of laundry, so I was going to work on some projects I've been meaning to get to. I got the load of laundry done, but not till around 7pm even though I had all day. How many projects did I work on? None, yep that's right not a one.
YS came over to use the internet (please explain to me how someone lives in today's society without internet at home) so I wasn't on the computer all day. Still I managed to do nothing all day long, I have no idea where the day went. I did fight with YS and we had been doing so good with spending time together, I don't think we will ever really understand each other. YS has a way of asking questions with the answer already in the question and it annoys the crap out of me. For example "What do you use that exercise ball for?". Um is there another answer besides ...wait for it ... "exercise!" I know this is stupid I should just answer the question and let it go but is seems like if YS is not telling a boring story about a client at work, I'm being asked a ridiculous question with an obvious answer.
Even considering our little argument, that's not much of the day accounted for it only lasted 15 minutes at the most before YS left. So that's about 2 hours accounted for ... maybe I was abducted by aliens and they wiped my memory. *Shrug* I guess that just means I have projects for another day.

Until next time,
Me

mostly good but a little bad

Dear Diary,

I find that I don't have any complaints right now, at least no complaints I haven't already told you about. That's awesome right! So now you are wondering ... what's the bad part? The bad part is I don't really have anything to say. Does this mean that my new awesome on-line public diary is really just a big complaint file box? In an effort to make that statement untrue I'm going to tell you about our garden. We have four plants in containers! What, it counts as a garden! So excited for fresh veggies and herbs.

Until next time,
Me

Blogger what is the deal?

 Dear Diary,

So I was all fired up to post the other day and blogger was "unavailable" I'm sure whatever I was going to talk about was going to be awesome, but I have forgotten whatever it was. So instead I will make this short and say getting super glue on your fingers sucks, and the nail polish I used to remove it stinks, how do people use that stuff on a regular basis? That is all.

Until next time,
Me

Mother's day

Dear Diary,

Guess what it's Mother's day again. I know it's supposed to be a wonderful day but I think it sucks! I miss my mom so much, there are a lot of times through out the year that I think of my mom and miss her. Mother's day I am reminded of my loss again and again all day long. Everyone on Facebook talks about how they are spending the day with their mom and I'm reminded that my mom has been gone for over 10 years. A lot has happened in those 10 years that I have needed my mom for. So many things in life I always just assumed my mom would be a part of, so much advice I've never gotten. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I don't need my mom, heck I lost her just as I was beginning to appreciate the wisdom of her advice and the wealth of knowledge she had to offer. Sure my mom and I were always close even when I was a teenager, but what teenager really appreciates the advice of parents? I am glad that I never pushed her away that I spent quite a bit of time with her when I had the chance. I am grateful for the time I did have with her, I just wish this stupid holiday would cease to exist so I didn't have to spend a whole day thinking about how different things would be if she were still with me. Add to that the loss of our baby and it makes this day that much more emotionally charged and harder to deal with.

I know there are a lot of people that have lost their mothers and find this day difficult. I know there are a lot of women who have lost babies or never conceived who suffer through this holiday watching others who live their dream celebrate. I know there are a lot of people who love their mothers, but do we really need a holiday for people to show their mothers that they are loved? Do we really need a holiday to remind people to do something nice for their mothers? Does every cashier need to ask me if I've remembered a mother's day present and point to the gift baskets they are supposed to push? Is it petty of me to want to make them feel bad? I really want to say " My mother is dead, Thanks for reminding me" but I don't I politely say no thank you and cry inside because the gift basket had a gardenia scented candle which was my moms favorite.

Until next time,
Me

Fleas

Dear Diary,

So we moved to a new place, mostly because SO and I hated living with BB's pets. Now we are in a pet free environment, we no longer smell pet potty or have pet messes, but we have fleas! Aparently the people who lived here before had a pet (I'm guessing a cat, I really don't understand why people have cats!) and that pet had fleas. What I don't understand is the carpets were cleaned before we moved in, and the fleas survived this? Most of the things we have read about getting rid of them say that soap and hot water are enough to kill them, but when they clean carpets don't they use soap and hot water?

We found some natural remedies that we are going to try, hopefully they work, because SO is getting bitten a lot. Knock on wood I have not been bitten yet, and I would like to get rid of the fleas before I do. I find it ironic that we move away from pets and find ourselves dealing with a pet problem. I guess it's always something *shrug* off to buy some baking soda and salt for the carpets, we've got a lot of cleaning to do. Worst part washing the bedding and rugs again, we just did that before we moved them over.

Until next time,
Me

A-Z and everything in between

Dear Diary,

I was supposed to do an A-Z follow-up but like my last post stated, I have been without internet. I don't really know what I was expecting from the A-Z challenge, I guess maybe I was looking for something to help me stay motivated. I got so much more. I never really expected people to read my blog, I have not promoted it, I've not told anyone I write it. In fact I make it a point to be very anonymous and to never mention writing a blog around people I know. However getting feed back and support has been amazing. I never realized that someone saying "Hang in there things will change" in reply to a dairy entry could be so powerful. I had a couple followers be for the A-Z challenge and they are wonderful and supportive also, but when other people started following I was amazed at first then humbled that they would take the time to read my thoughts and feelings. Lately I have been feeling that I am not heard and this challenge has made me realize that people are listening, even when I'm venting or strolling down memory lane. Most of the time I don't have insightful things to write about and maybe part of the problem was that I didn't feel what I had to say was worthy of being heard. Fellow challenge participants heard and replied and I got to read their thoughts and feelings. I feel as though I have made friends through this challenge. I want to thank the organizers because this challenge has made a surprising and amazing difference in my blog.

Until next time,
Me

Life without internet

Dear Diary,

So the A-Z challenge is over now I have to be the sole motivation to write, yikes. Well I have to write about not having internet for a week. We moved (Yippy) however moving sucks! I got to drive the rental truck which was pretty cool because it was a new experience, I didn't really care for it though. SO and I are mostly settled in there are a few more things we have to get since we have a bigger space now. It's amazing how much stuff we had tucked away in closets. I'm excited to resume my friendship with BB as friends and not roommates. Overall the move was a very positive thing, but I want Merlin from "The Sword and the Stone" to move my stuff next time because some of this stuff is heavy or awkward or both. (I love that the word awkward, looks awkward)

Although the internet company left a lot to be desired when scheduling our service "installation". First of all the people that were here before had cable internet, I know because we had to wait extra days for them to remove the fraud block that had been activated due to the other tenants. Second we were transferring service so our stuff is already set up to work. I'm not sure exactly what was installed, the guy gave us a new cable cord, but we had the other one and will probably put the other one on because it's longer. Also why did it take more than one day to remove a block, wouldn't you think it would just require someone to click a button? As for scheduling the installation tech to come out, there is only one company that offers cable internet for this location, you don't have to pretend to do anything you have a monopoly if we want cable internet you get to charge whatever fees you want, just charge them and enable the internet.

Okay I have to say I don't know what people did before internet. I read multiple books, we unpacked all of our stuff, we installed a cabinet in the bathroom (shhh don't tell the landlord) we did laundry, we went to the farmers market, we bought storage containers for all the dry goods in our kitchen and labeled them (we probably have the most organized cupboards ever), we went to the rebuilding center more than once looking for something we could turn into a kitchen island, we fought because we were bored and it gave us something to do, we walked to the grocery store. No wonder back in the old days people made everything by hand and from scratch, it kept them from going crazy from boredom. That being said, it was rather nice to be productive, it's nice to have all our stuff put away. However, I'm behind on my shows and I have so many blogs to read!

Until next time,
Me

Zee end

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘Z’ we have reached the end, I’m kind of proud of myself for completing the challenge and not missing any posts. Z had to be the last letter, I’ve got nothing. Foiled on the last letter, sure I can think of lots of words that start with ‘Z’: Zen, Zucchini, Zebra, Zoo, Zamboni, Zombie, Zesty, Zone, Zumba, Zodiac, Zipper, Zip-line (is Z starting to look like a weird letter to anyone else?). Lots of Z words but nothing I really want to write about. Sure when I was a kid I thought driving the Zamboni would be one of the coolest jobs ever, but story ends there. I could write about how I hate zucchini and all squashes in general, but who cares? I could talk about how Zumba looks fun, but I’m too self-conscious to try it, but that’s not terribly interesting. I could talk about how I hate going to zoos because I always end up feeling sad for the animals (okay that is really something I could talk about but I don’t feel like it.) I suppose I could have picked any one of those words and written something, but I didn’t have to because I saw my camera.

No sorry no pictures today, but I will tell you that I love my Zoom lens. I want one that has more zoom so I can see farther, heck I want a paparazzi grade zoom lens. No not for paparazzi purposes, but for hiking; sometimes I see things that are just too far for my zoom lens to get a good shot of. The lens I have is awesome though, I love it. I can get unsuspecting people, or animals that would run away if I didn’t have a zoom lens. Okay it’s not the most interesting post, but it’s better than talking about a broken zipper that I had to sew closed the other day.

Until next time,  

Me

My younger sibling

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘Y’. My relationship with my younger sibling (YS) is complicated. I love YS and would do almost anything for YS but we don’t really have much in common and annoy the crap out of each other. YS is a good person, kind, loyal, generous. YS is also lazy, messy, nosy, stubborn, and Extremely religious.

When we were kids, my older sibling and I would generally gang up on YS and exclude YS from our activities. YS does not hold this against me, this is surprising because YS is a grudge holder, my grandmother once yelled at YS for hiding a banana peel in a dresser drawer (reasonable? I think yes.) YS has never forgiven her and has not spoken to said grandmother since (full disclosure I do not like this grandmother and do not speak to her either, in fact I don’t even know if she is still alive).  

YS tries really hard to fit into societal expectations and norms, and somehow is slightly off. YS was never a good student and has a hard time knowing when it’s appropriate to say what, but if people get to know YS they realized that the lack of social skills is more than made up for with YS’s big heart. If someone befriends YS they will have someone who is there for them whenever they need someone. YS is a wonderful listener and doesn’t generally try to give unsolicited advice.

YS I love you, I wish that we were closer. I accept that we are different and will never have the sibling relationship of the movies. That being said I will strive to include you more in my life and be more tolerant when I find you annoying (well I’ll try).

Also this is kind of related, just because you were around your best friends siblings when you were kids does not mean you can say mean things about those siblings. It is okay for me to pick on my YS and to be mean to my YS but nobody else can. I don't care how long we have been friends and how long you have known my YS, I will always defend my YS. Just because you don't have your own siblings and you felt like your friends siblings were like your own, they weren't, you don't make fun of someone else's sibling. I know that BB doesn't read this but I thought I'd vent because it makes me mad when BB picks on YS and makes fun of YS. YS is socially awkward, not stupid, YS knows when you are making fun, even if YS doesn't say anything.

Until next time,  

Me

'X' marks the spot!

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘X’. As in ‘X’ marks the spot. I love adventures of any kind, especially if there is competition included, but not athletic competition because then I’d loose, and who likes to loose? Give me a competition with adventure and puzzles and creativity; that I love. Treasure hunts where there are clues at each stop, where you have to figure out the meaning. Scavenger hunts where you have to find things before the other team, especially the new photo scavenger hunts where you can also have to do something at certain locations.

I love watching ‘The Amazing Race’, I love the idea of it, I don’t know that I would do well on the race, because I’m vegan and I wouldn’t do any of the ‘eat this’ challenges, and I get snappy when I’m tired (I have no idea how SO puts up with me) I get mean when I’m frustrated; basically I would make a terrible partner on that show.

SO and I recently played laser tag for the first time, and I can’t help but thing how awesome would it be to combined laser tag and a treasure hunt? ‘X’ marks the spot and don’t get shot. I know I’d play!

Until next time,  

Me

Waterfalls

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is presented to you by the letter ‘W’. Waterfalls, I love waterfalls. I love that they are so strong and beautiful, so determined and graceful, so powerful yet fluid. I love that water seems so benign but has the power to knock down the strongest man. I love that man has harnessed water built dams and routed it through pipes giving us the ability to turn it off and on at will, yet water is free and can knock down entire cities in tsunamis and floods and can erode the strongest rocks. I find it fascinating that water is such an important part of our daily lives that we take it for granted and forget just how powerful it is. Waterfalls remind me of the power of water, but also it’s grace and beauty. Now who wants so pictures? Well I do and it’s my diary so here they are.

Toketee Falls

Wakina Falls

Fairy Falls

Snoqualmie Falls

Twin Falls

 I'm so glad the weather is warming up, more hikes to do and more waterfalls to see.

Until next time,  

Me

Violin memories

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘V’. My grandpa played the violin and I thought he was magic. It is one of my fondest memories of my grandpa, he died when I was 8 and I don’t have many clear memories. I don’t remember him playing around Christmas when you think someone would be more likely to play. He might have played then but I don’t remember it. What I remember is pitching a tent on the lawn in the back yard; grandpa would pull the barbecue onto the lawn by the tent and we would roast marshmallows and he would play the violin/fiddle and sing. They were rarely songs I new, although he would sometimes play songs that we knew like ‘She’ll be coming round the mountain” but the last song he would play was “Twinkle, twinkle little star” then he would let us look through his telescope until we were falling asleep as we stood there waiting for our turn. Then he would get us settled into our sleeping bags before he went into the house. Hearing a violin, or fiddle always makes me think of my grandpa and our camp-outs. I also would love to learn to play the violin, well truth be told I would prefer to play the fiddle; I know same instrument different style.

Until next time,  

Me

Unibrows

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘U’. Unibrow, that is the first thing that I thought of that begins with ‘u’ so that’s what I’m going to talk about. I don’t really know what to say about them so this should be short. I don’t really understand why people have them since tweezers and waxing are cheep and effective; maybe people just don’t like pain I don’t know. What I really don’t understand is Frida Kahlo, why would she put her unibrow in her paintings? I have to admire people with unibrows and especially Frida Kahlo, they accept themselves as they are and don’t change to fit the social norm. I think that shows remarkable courage.

Until next time,

Me

Travel

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘T’, getting close to the end. Tee, Tea, ‘T’ is for travel, why because it’s awesome and I love it. I think you all need some pictures today, enjoy some of my travels.

France, Paris

England, Bath

Kansas, Goddard

Arkansas, Jasper

England, Stonehenge

Until next time,

Me

Super Spectacular Significant Other

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘S’. What else could S be for except my super amazing Significant other? SO is a wonderful person whom I love more than I can express in words. Trust me I’ve tried and I’m just not eloquent enough to pull it off without sounding cliché. I am very lucky that SO happens to love me too, I think unrequited love would be a terrible thing, but that’s a topic for another time. Instead of trying to express my affection for SO I think I’ll just write about SO.

SO is smart, like brainy smart, like PhD smart. SO is also very modest and will tell you that determination and perseverance had more to do with the PhD than intelligence; the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. SO is funny but not in an obvious way, it’s more a sarcastic funny. SO is considerate, if I have a job for the day, SO will make an elaborate dinner to show me I was missed. SO is generous, always willing to put in time and hard work to help others.

I’m really not doing a good job of conveying just how wonderful a person SO is. I feel like I’m just listing adjectives, and all the adjectives describe SO but somehow not. I think the only way for others to see how wonderful SO is would be first hand and since I can’t make that happen, you will have to take my word.

What I can do is appreciate how lucky I am to have met SO and to have had SO in my life for the many, many years that we have been not just a couple, but best friends. I love you SO and I appreciate the joy, frustrations and love that you have brought to my life.

Until next time,

Me

Recreation

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘R’. Recreation is an important part of life. There are many things I do for recreation. My favorite recreational activity is traveling; however traveling can get pretty expensive so my other recreational activities are fairly inexpensive. Some of my most common recreational activities are: hiking, camping, rafting (not white water that is pricier and occurs less often), reading, playing online games, and recently blogging. Now if only the weather would cooperate so I could participate in some of these activities I’ve been missing since September. Also gas prices could go down so I can afford to get to a campground, other wise I’ll be pitching a tent on my deck.

What are some things you like to do for recreation?

Until next time,

Me

Quiet

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘Q’. I like things quiet. Even from a young age, I liked the quiet. Libraries are a wonderful place where it is always quiet. When I was a kid, my younger sibling and older sibling would fight over music and turn their stereos louder and louder. When this happened I would take whatever book I was reading outside and sit in the peach tree in our back yard, when the weather was bad I would grab a flashlight and take refuge in my parent’s closet. My parent’s room was at the other end of the house and the walk-in closet had a door that I would close, then I would crawl over shoes and boxes into the nook in the corner and read in the beautiful silence. When my parents divorced YS responded vocally and loudly and I spent almost every night after homework in the closet reading and escaping the noise.

I still like quiet. I’m lucky to have respectful neighbors that we hardly ever hear. It works out nicely that SO is also content in quiet. Unless we are watching a movie the only sound you hear in our room is the clicking of keys or the turning of pages. The only issue with this is we want to foster kids and kids are not quiet. I often wonder how parents don’t loose their minds or at least have ear plugs surgically implanted. I know that fostering kids will be so rewarding and that SO and I will make wonderful foster parents, I’m just not sure how I will adapt to noise. Our friends have kids and we are fine around them, even though they are not quiet, but not everyday. I’m probably one of a handful of people who think about thinks like this when thinking of parenthood. For now I’ll just enjoy the quiet and daydream about the noisy and hectic times I hope our in our future.

Until next time,

Me

Pain

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘P’. Pain starts with ‘P’ and it’s something I’m unfortunately familiar with. If I had my choice I would choose physical pain over emotional pain. Physical pain heals much faster than emotional pain. The most searing, blinding, agonizing pain I have ever felt was emotional. The emotional pain was so intense I physically felt it. Then the physical pain was gone, but the emotional pain still remained, the emotional pain remains to this day. I hope that it will fade with time, but I know it will always be there.

There are times when I wish there were a physical cause for the pain I feel, because there are ways to numb the physical. I realize that everyone has pain, pain doesn’t discriminate, it is something experienced by everyone and you can’t compare pain. There are people who have chronic physical pain and they may wish their pain was only emotional. For me emotional is worse, but maybe because I’ve never experienced the physical pain of others. All I know is as much as the pain I have experienced hurts; I wouldn’t trade it for another person's pain. I think maybe we are given the pain and hurt that will help us become better people. Besides, you never know what pain someone is hiding.

Until next time,

Me

Oregon

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘O’. Oregon the most beautiful state I’ve been to. Every state I’ve been to has been beautiful in its own way; but Oregon’s beauty speaks to me. Here are some of the places I find most beautiful in Oregon, I know there are many more. 

The Oregon Coast especially at sunset is magnificent.

 

Parks full of flora and fauna.

 I don't remember what trail this was but Oregon is full of beautiful hiking trails along picturesque rivers.

For more beauty from Oregon come back for W, I have a treat planned.  (and you thought all my posts were random; surprise.)

Until next time,

Me

Would a nose on any other person be as sensitive?

Dear Diary,

Well we are now past the half way point today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘N’. Nose is the topic for today; this was SO’s initial answer when I asked “what is a word that starts with ‘N’?” Of course I didn’t tell SO why I was asking and at first though well that’s not helpful what can I write about a nose. Then I thought I could write about what I find attractive in noses, but that’s not really interesting, nobody cares that it’s one of the features that I’m most drawn to. Or that mine is on the small to average size and covered with freckles.

However I have a very sensitive nose, my sense of smell seems to be more enhanced than other people. That is a topic I can write about … not that anyone is going to find it more interesting to read about. My sensitive nose can get me into trouble, most often this is with YS who (how can I put this tactfully) is not the neatest person. Whenever I go to YS’s house I have to remind myself that it’s not polite to plug my nose, to breath through my mouth and not take deep breaths. There is something about the way YS’s house smells that makes me nauseous. SO can smell it and says it’s unpleasant but not as bad as I seem to think, and YS’s friends don’t seem to notice at all. Also people who have pets that potty in the house cats, hamsters, mice; to me their houses all smell like there are animals that potty in the house. I can’t have a big trash can in the kitchen, we use the plastic bags from grocery stores and take it out every night; other wise I can smell the garbage, especially if there are potato peelings in it.

This sensitive nose of mine is really annoying, I hate walking though the perfume section of department stores, I hate the whole perfume floor. Also there are stores that spray perfume into their stores; Abercrombie is one of the worst. Candle and lotion shops all the scents mingling together is not a pleasant odor either. I have to say I am lucky that smells don’t bring on migraines like they did for my mom, they are generally just unpleasant. I had a friend who was born without the sense of smell, I don’t know that I would want to loose my sense of smell but I always thought it would be nice if I could give this friend some of my extra and we could balance each other out. Now you know more about my nose than you ever wanted to, aren’t you glad you decided to stop by?

Until next time,

Me

My Magnificent Mom

 

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘M’. My mom is what comes to mind when I think of ‘M’. I miss my mom so much; she passed away when I was twenty. I feel luck to have had her in my life for the short time I did because she was an amazing mom. I also feel like I got gypped because I lost her so soon. I have moments when someone will complain about their mother butting into their life and I wish I had their problems. Other times I’ll hear someone comment on how they have never been close with their mother and I’ll feel sorry for them. Before my mom passed away we were really close and I have a hard time understanding what it’s like to not be close to your mother. My parents divorced when I was in grade school and my mom raised three kids on her own and did a darn good job with the few resources she had.

There is so much I could say about my mom, she was smart and had many witty moments. She loved jokes that were on the corny side and would almost always laugh at puns (as long as they were clean, I never heard her laugh at a dirty joke or pun). She was one of the most patient people I’ve ever met; although being the mother of YS I guess that was kind of a requirement. She made you want to do your best and be your best without threats or intimidation. My friends in high school never really understood why I never went through the rebellious stage that they did until they got to know my mom; somehow you didn’t want her to be disappointed in you. When I made poor choices and it was quite often, my mom never really punished me like my friends got punished. My mom would just look at me (with a look that said she had expected better or me and was disappointed) but would only tell me “I trust you to learn from this, and will make a better choice next time.” How can you rebel against that?

My mom taught me so many things, of course the generic things like cooking, baking, cleaning, finances but she taught me more than that she taught me to be a good person. Not that I’m trying to imply I’m always a good person, anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not. I am a caring, understanding and loving person. I occasionally judge people unfairly but I don’t hold a grudge and I’m forgiving (of others I’m still working on being forgiving of myself). My mom always explained how situations might seem from other perspectives (which I try to remember) this helped me to be less judgmental and more understanding of people who I feel have wronged me in some way.

I miss my mom so much, there are so many things in my life that I have needed her for and wanted to share with her. Times when having her to guide me would have made my struggles more bearable. My mom didn’t have an easy life and I’ve always had an added respect for her because she lived her life with such strength and poise despite the hardships. I remember that strength to help me get through my struggles, I remind myself that the strength is somewhere inside me, because my mother put it there. I love you mom and miss you like you wouldn’t believe.

Until next time,

Me

Follow button

Dear Diary,


I know that it was supposed to be just you and me, which would be me and myself, and maybe sometimes I would read too. And that was fine, but someone else wanted to join and so I've added a follow button.

I have to admit it's kind of nice to know that other people care about my jumbled thoughts, and this has lead me to another dangerous game of comparisons. I know I need to work on this, but I've been reading other blogs with lots of followers and I'm comparing mine to theirs, and that is not what this was about. It was about a diary to express my thoughts in a healthy way, that does not involve scars and I have found a way to make it unhealthy. I need to remind myself that this is a diary and not a competition with people who write for a living. It's good to have people support me and offer advice and comments but it's not a competition.

Thank you to my followers and I'd like to ask you to remind me every once in a while that it's about expressing myself and not collecting followers. Oh and thanks for following and reading my random diary entries I know they are all over the place, but that's how my mind works. Hope you enjoy the ride, if not at least you can find get off at the next stop, sometimes I wish I could too (but writing is supposed to help with that).

Until next time,
Me

Luck

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘L’. ‘L’ is for luck. In the past I have been known to claim that if I didn’t have bad luck I would have no luck at all. I think that statement is unfair. Okay I know it’s unfair, the other day while SO and I were driving home from a wonderful outing (that got rained on) we passed quite a few people going the other way that were getting pulled over. I know that I speed when I drive, not a lot, but more than the speed limit. I don’t always mean to sometimes I just look down and I’m going faster than I should be. Other times I’m running late and I totally mean to speed and I watch the speedometer to make sure it’s in my acceptable speeding range (speed limit to about 5mph over) not much but it makes me feel like I’m making up time.

Anyway all of this rambling was leading up to my point. A lot of the time when people are lucky it’s not something we are aware of. Like the speeding ticket; if I were to get a speeding ticket I would have another example of how unlucky I am. What about all the times I don’t get tickets? I don’t count them as lucky because I’m not thinking about a ticket unless I get one. Just like people don’t always count having food to eat and a roof over their heads as lucky until they are gone. Luck is with me do I have bad luck? Quite often yes. Do I have good luck? More times than I realize that answer is yes also. I guess what I have realized is that if I have something to loose in life, I’m lucky. 

Until next time,

Me

K is for ...

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry brought to you by the letter ‘K’. What topics come to mind for ‘K’ hum … this letter required a bit of thought. Finally it hits me it’s time for another picture. I know I just did a picture for ‘H’ but I have a great picture for ‘K’ so you should just sit back and be glad I’m not writing another woe is me entry because those come all too often. Drum roll please …. Kaleidoscope! I love kaleidoscopes, I could spend hours (full disclosure, probably minutes) looking into a kaleidoscope. We used to take trips to Sea Port Village when I was a kid, I don’t even know if it’s still there but there used to be a shop that sold really expensive kaleidoscopes, the best kaleidoscope was not for sale and it didn’t have colored bits inside it.

This kaleidoscope sat outside the shop in fact I’m not even sure if the kaleidoscope shop is related to the giant kaleidoscope outside but in my mind they are linked. Anyway this kaleidoscope sat outside and faced the ocean, and it was the most amazing and beautiful kaleidoscope ever, sometimes a sail boat would pass by and sometimes birds, but even if it was just the waves crashing on the beach it was beautiful. Then I got older and trips with my family became less important to me and I got too old for kids toys. One day SO, our friend (Significant others sibling from another set of parents, okay that nickname is long how about SOOP sibling of other parents) and I went to a botanical garden where we found a kaleidoscope that looked at plants! Enjoy =)

This is with SOOP's hand, kind of awesome!

I don't know what I was thinking, you are never to old to enjoy a kaleidoscope.

Until next time,

Me

Jobs, justice and jealousy

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry brought to you by the letter ‘J’. ‘J’ should be for justice, but I’m beginning to think that is more a concept than a reality. So ‘J’ will be for job. I have been looking for a job for over a year. SO has been looking for a job for over a year. Neither of us has a job. BB started looking for a job 2 weeks ago, and starts work on Monday. Where is the justice in that? I am just as qualified as BB and SO has a freaking PhD. Alright I’m glad that BB has a job, this means there is someone to borrow money from when our savings runs out.

Seriously though I would understand if it was a personality thing, I admit that BB is more out going than I am. The thing is I never even seem to make it to the interview stage and my cover letters and resume are so up-beat they boarder on perky. I just don’t understand the fairness in a process where two equally qualified people look for a job and one candidate gets one right away and the other waits and waits and waits and hears nothing.

Oh that’s another thing if you are a hiring manager at least let the poor shmucks who didn’t get the job know that the position is filled. It’s rather sad to admit that rejection notifications are exciting because at least you know they got your application and acknowledged your existence.

Until next time,

Me

Imagination

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘I’. There were surprisingly a lot of words that I thought of for ‘I’. Imagination was the winner. I have to wonder what happened to imagination. Kids used to use imagination to learn and grow and be a part of worlds past, present and future; now they play video games and watch television. I’ve heard people say over and over kids today may spend all their time playing video games and watching television but is that really any different from when kids used to spend all their time reading books. I think yes, books take imagination; you create whole worlds in vivid color from a few words. You can fight with the Knights of the Round Table or make friends with aliens on Jupiter when you read a book. The difference is with a book the landscape of Jupiter or the armor of the knights comes from you, granted some books have pictures but your imagination brings them to life.

I know this song is old we have all heard it, but the more I think about it I realize that nothing is original any more. Nobody is using their imagination. Movies all have the same plot, especially chick flicks, they are all retelling the same stories we have heard before with a change in location or character. I appreciate the hint of irony that I am discussing how nobody has any new ideas and lack imagination, when this topic is not new and lacks imagination. I admit that I don’t have any new ideas, but kids have the best imaginations if we would just let them express them. I also have to admit that this was not a very eloquently expressed entry but some days are like that … with me most days are like that.

Until next time,

Me

Humming bird?

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘H’. I was ready for another picture post so ‘H’ will be for Humming bird, at least I think it’s a humming bird so that’s what I’m going to call it. I am very sad that I did not have my nicer camera with me when I saw this little guy, so the pictures are not the best but I wanted to share, so here are pictures of what I’m guessing is a type of humming bird, if it’s not and you know what it is please post in the comments and let me know. (if it's not a humming bird this post will be handsome bird)

Until next time,

Me

Games

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘G’. Gee I had a hard time thinking of a topic for ‘G’ Gullibility? Gluttony? Guns? Gloomy? Grumpy? I figured that after such a heavy topic yesterday I should probably keep it short and light. Maybe something I enjoy, then it hit me games! SO and I are pretty boring people, no clubbing or bar hoping for us. No we spend our evenings watching shows or putzing around the internet. However if we visit friend or have friends over we play games, board games, card games, lawn games, sometimes we even play kid games; I recently played Hi-Ho Cherry-O for the first time. I think the best way to spend time with friends is playing games; you think, laugh, argue and learn things you never knew you didn’t want to know.

Until next time,

Me

PS. what is your favorite game?

Failure

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘F”. Since I’ve already got a post about flatulence of death, I guess for this challenge ‘F’ will be for failure. Oh did you forget that I’m a bit of a negative person? Well here is your reminder. There are many times when I look at my life and feel like I’m a failure. I’ve failed to obtain my goal education wise. I failed to be there when my mother was sick and dying. I failed to help my older sibling move forward after my mother passed away. I failed to help YS care for my mother when she was at her worst. I have failed to let the past go and start fresh in my relationship with my father. I have failed to find a job in over a year. I have failed in so many things; the failure that hurts the most is when I failed to keep our baby alive. I have failed as a person.

Logically I know that there were many medical problems that prevented our child from surviving but in my heart I feel like I failed, I should have been able to do something. This was not where I intended this diary entry to go. I didn’t think I was ready to talk about this, maybe when I wrote scars it helped me more than I realized. I don’t know but I guess since it came out I’m ready to share a little bit more of the pain I’ve experienced. I guess since it came out in a post about failure you have realized that there are things beyond my control that I internalize as personal failures. The loss of my baby is on the top of that list. Our baby was stillborn and there was nothing I could do, there were numerous serious medical complications with our baby. I think that’s enough for now this was years ago and the pain is still there but we have survived the pain and I guess somehow by surviving I’m not a complete failure. There are things I can’t change, but nothing I can’t learn from. Our baby taught me so much more that I would have thought possible in that short time, I hope that I never fail to remember those lessons.

Until next time,

Me

P.S. Next time wont be so disheartening, I hope.

Exciting and exhilarating

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘E”. E is for exciting and exhilarating. Adjectives that I wish described me better. My idea of exciting is white water rafting with an experienced guide. My idea of exhilarating is hitting the snooze button an extra time. Not that I think I have to go sky diving or get into confrontations with people who cut me off in traffic to have real excitement. I just wish that every once in a while I had the courage to go out on a limb and do something really exhilarating like hitting the snooze button two extra times, or taking our raft down the rapids without a  hired guide. To do something that will thrill the adventurer who lives inside me and longs to be let out every so often.

Until next time,

Me