Thursday, April 7, 2011


Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘F”. Since I’ve already got a post about flatulence of death, I guess for this challenge ‘F’ will be for failure. Oh did you forget that I’m a bit of a negative person? Well here is your reminder. There are many times when I look at my life and feel like I’m a failure. I’ve failed to obtain my goal education wise. I failed to be there when my mother was sick and dying. I failed to help my older sibling move forward after my mother passed away. I failed to help YS care for my mother when she was at her worst. I have failed to let the past go and start fresh in my relationship with my father. I have failed to find a job in over a year. I have failed in so many things; the failure that hurts the most is when I failed to keep our baby alive. I have failed as a person.

Logically I know that there were many medical problems that prevented our child from surviving but in my heart I feel like I failed, I should have been able to do something. This was not where I intended this diary entry to go. I didn’t think I was ready to talk about this, maybe when I wrote scars it helped me more than I realized. I don’t know but I guess since it came out I’m ready to share a little bit more of the pain I’ve experienced. I guess since it came out in a post about failure you have realized that there are things beyond my control that I internalize as personal failures. The loss of my baby is on the top of that list. Our baby was stillborn and there was nothing I could do, there were numerous serious medical complications with our baby. I think that’s enough for now this was years ago and the pain is still there but we have survived the pain and I guess somehow by surviving I’m not a complete failure. There are things I can’t change, but nothing I can’t learn from. Our baby taught me so much more that I would have thought possible in that short time, I hope that I never fail to remember those lessons.

Until next time,
P.S. Next time wont be so disheartening, I hope.


  1. Spence, you are not a failure. The fact that you are able to discuss your feelings, and have the courage to share your worst moments is a huge step in the right direction. I'm so sorry for the loss of your child. That is the worst thing a parent could ever go through. Please think about joining a support group. There are probably organizations in your community. Sometimes it does ease the pain a little to speak with other people that have been in similar situations. In the meantime, keep writing and try to focus on positive things. Julie

  2. I hope that eventually I will be able to talk openly about my experiences and not see them as failures, I'm working on that. I find that writing helps especially since no one I know reads my blog. The anonymity gives me the courage to express things that normally I feel I need to conceal.

  3. I'm sorry you lost your baby Spenc, and sorry that you consider it a failure, vut you said it yourself, there was nothing you could have done. I agree this experience should be under surviving your pain or lessons your baby taught you, but not failure.