Best Buddy aka BB

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘B’. B is for Best Buddy and really my Best Buddy really is brilliant. I know that so far I’ve really only aired complaints about BB, and I want you to know that I know BB is not perfect. Then again no one is because there is really no such thing BB is the closest thing to a perfect friend that exists. BB is more than you could ever want in a friend. BB is reliable, outgoing, fun, intelligent, humorous (although BB would say freaking high-larry-us), most important of all I know that BB will always be there for me no matter what. Maybe BB will not be there for every little thing but for the most important things I know I can count on BB. So although I probably don’t appreciate my most fantastic friend as much as I should I would like to remind myself how incredibly luck I am to have BB in my life.

Until next time,

Me

Apprehension

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘A’. Apprehension is the ‘a’ word that comes to mind, not like you apprehend a criminal more the “anticipation of adversity or misfortune”. There are many things changing in my life right now, I’m sure most will eventually be for the better, but right now I’m very apprehensive about said changes. I don’t know why I’m apprehensive about these changes; it probably has something to do with the cost of them and our lack of income. These changes are not really a choice they were kind of forced by multiple sources; I guess if they were a choice I wouldn’t be so apprehensive about it. Right now I feel lots of scary ‘A’ words, apprehensive, annoyed, artificial and a little anticipatory. I know that normally I’m pessimistic but I’m trying to be optimistic on this one, I’ll let you know how it turns out.

Until next time,

Me

Scars

Dear Diary,

SO and I went to visit some friends this weekend. We visit these friends a lot because they are awesome.  SO has been best friends with Argumentative Friend (who will for all future posts be known as AF) longer than I have known SO. We have done so many things with AF and honestly AF and I get along like siblings, maybe a little better but we can argue about anything. AF and PPF are a couple and they have children, who are some of the most awesome kids I’ve ever met.

So far this has nothing to do with what I was going to talk about so refocusing now.  I wanted to talk about AF younger sibling (who will from now forward be referred to as M2). The last we saw M2 was about 7 years ago and M2 was only like 10 or so.  A lot happened in AF and M2’s family and they had to deal with a lot of hard stuff that was very emotional and would challenge someone who was much more mature than the child that M2 was when the stuff happened.  M2 began not eating and cutting as a way to gain some control of a life that was completely out of control.  I knew that M2 was in a facility being cared for because of these problems. In my mind I pictured the little 10 year old child that I remembered, but frail and broken. I was very surprised when we saw M2 and M2 was all grown up, healthy, strong and had turned out to be a very attractive refined person when I remembered a goof-ball of a child.

I mentioned my shock and how good M2 looked to someone and the person said something along the lines of yeah except M2 has scars (from cutting). I realize that cutting is harmful but I am impressed with M2 for surviving, I know that M2 didn’t want to survive. The thing is everyone has scars from the challenges in their life. Most people get to bury their scars deep in their hearts where no one can see them. Sometimes the heart just can’t hold all the hurt and it leaves scars on the surface.

 I am going to share something that I don’t really want other people to know ( I am trying to type the words and they get stuck, my arms feel tingly because my mind is telling me not to share my secret, this diary is not private). I have never admitted what I am attempting to share to anyone in writing or verbally, during the most challenging time of my life I was going to a psychiatrist and I hid this secret from her as well. I can’t make myself type the words in relation to myself I can type them and talk about them in regards to M2, but it’s just too much, it’s too personal. This is a secret no body knows and it hurts to think about sharing it, I’m sure that SO must know but SO has never commented on it, I think SO understands my pain. I also feel that when I work up the courage to revel this secret most people will think it’s nothing but to me it’s huge.  Here goes if I don’t do this now I will chicken out and the tension in my shoulders will cause them to snap.

I have scars on the surface too.

M2 has scars in places that cloths don’t cover; I hid my scars where the rest of the world couldn’t see them. I hid them because I knew people would judge but there was so much pain inside that I needed a way to release it. It was like letting air out of an inflatable ball before it pops. I know how I dealt with my pain was not healthy, but I also know that if I didn’t released the pressure I would have popped just like a ball that has been over inflated. I was over inflated with pain, and then sometimes I felt like I wasn’t feeling enough pain for what I was experiencing and I started using that same release valve to remind myself that there was pressure to release.  I honestly thought that once I wrote the words, I would some how feel relieved that I had shared. I don’t I just feel scared and exposed.  I have so much more to say but I can not continue.

Until next time,

Me

Struggles with weight loss

Dear Diary,

I think today might be the day to get a little more personal. That’s right today I am going to dive into something that is hard to talk about and is a topic that I find embarrassing. Today I am going to talk about my weight. I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. The crazy thing is I remember kids in elementary school giving me a hard time for being fat, but I look at my old class pictures now and I’m taller than most of the kids and bigger, but I was not fat. I wonder if because I was told I was fat from such a young age, I just believed it. What do they call that a self-fulfilling prophecy?

No matter what lead to my becoming over weight, I am over weight now.  I get frustrated because some people don’t think about what they are eating or how much exercise they get and are thin regardless. There were times when I was actively trying to loose weight and it seemed like nothing I did made any difference. I know they say it’s all about numbers, calories in should be less than calories burned, but sometimes that just doesn’t cut it. There were times when I was unhealthy in my attempt to loose weight; I was so desperate to fit into society’s standard of attractive (which means skinny).

The thing I find interesting is most people think I don’t care at all about my weight, because I don’t talk about it. Really I don’t talk about it because I’m embarrassed about it, and think that if I ignore it other people will not notice. At the same time I think that every time I eat something everyone thinks rude thoughts. For example if I eat something unhealthy in my mind people are thinking “Do you really think you need that? Don’t you think you’re fat enough?” Or if I eat something healthy like a carrot in my mind people are thinking “That’s right fatty, you need to loose weight”.  Same thing goes for exercise in my mind everyone is watching me and judging how fast I go or how much I jiggle, because that’s right I jiggle. I don’t tell people when I am trying to loose weight not just because it’s embarrassing, but also because they will critic my size and notice it more, and what if I don’t loose weight?

It took a long time but I have come to terms with my weight, don’t get me wrong I still battle with my weight and body issues. I no longer starve myself or exercise excessively. I realize that I need to pay attention to what I eat, but when I eat poorly I don’t beat myself up and deprive myself of everything but celery and water (okay I was never that bad, although I wished I was). I realize that I need to get lots of exercise because that’s what my body needs, but I don’t force myself to stay on the stair climber until I burn over 1,000 calories (I did that once it took 2 ½  hours and I felt so sick and light headed afterward).

Right now I am really bad at eating healthy and exercising but that’s okay because those who care about me don’t care if I need to loose weight. Those who care about me just want me to be happy and healthy. I have been working on getting my eating back on track, but I’m taking it slow and making sure that I can stick to it long term. I am looking into exercising programs, but I’m looking at them realistically to make sure the program I choose is something I will be willing to do 3 years from now.  I am never going to like zucchini and I am never going to be a runner, trying to force things I don’t like on myself will only make me miserable and lead to failure every time.

I am learning that my worth is not based on my weight, something that I have believed for years.  I have a lot to offer the world that is not related to size or appearance. I am learning to care about myself the way my loved ones care about me. My goal is to learn to love myself unconditionally, this is something that should be natural, but in reality I have more conditions for the love of my self than I have for the random homeless stranger on the corner.  I am under no delusions, I know that this is going to be a long process with highs and lows, I also know that I am worth the effort.

Until Next time,

Me