What do you do when a good friendship goes bad?

Dear Diary,

I am having a hard time finding the easy that my relationship with BB used to have. Since we lived together and have since moved into separate places, every time we hang out it feels forced. I don't feel comfortable sharing my sucesses or struggles anymore. At the same time I have a hard time feeling genuinly happy or sympathetic for BB successes and struggles. I fear our friendship will never be what it was before, but maybe it only worked because we lived so far apart. I am finding that we have very little in common and even simple conversations require work and I find myself spacing out in the middle of our chats. I don't want to see our friendship end but I don't know how to fix it. Or if it can be fixed.

Until next time,
Me

Still there is sadness

Dear Diary,

Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.

I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.

Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.

Until next time,
Me

Fleas

Dear Diary,

So we moved to a new place, mostly because SO and I hated living with BB's pets. Now we are in a pet free environment, we no longer smell pet potty or have pet messes, but we have fleas! Aparently the people who lived here before had a pet (I'm guessing a cat, I really don't understand why people have cats!) and that pet had fleas. What I don't understand is the carpets were cleaned before we moved in, and the fleas survived this? Most of the things we have read about getting rid of them say that soap and hot water are enough to kill them, but when they clean carpets don't they use soap and hot water?

We found some natural remedies that we are going to try, hopefully they work, because SO is getting bitten a lot. Knock on wood I have not been bitten yet, and I would like to get rid of the fleas before I do. I find it ironic that we move away from pets and find ourselves dealing with a pet problem. I guess it's always something *shrug* off to buy some baking soda and salt for the carpets, we've got a lot of cleaning to do. Worst part washing the bedding and rugs again, we just did that before we moved them over.

Until next time,
Me

My younger sibling

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘Y’. My relationship with my younger sibling (YS) is complicated. I love YS and would do almost anything for YS but we don’t really have much in common and annoy the crap out of each other. YS is a good person, kind, loyal, generous. YS is also lazy, messy, nosy, stubborn, and Extremely religious.

When we were kids, my older sibling and I would generally gang up on YS and exclude YS from our activities. YS does not hold this against me, this is surprising because YS is a grudge holder, my grandmother once yelled at YS for hiding a banana peel in a dresser drawer (reasonable? I think yes.) YS has never forgiven her and has not spoken to said grandmother since (full disclosure I do not like this grandmother and do not speak to her either, in fact I don’t even know if she is still alive).  

YS tries really hard to fit into societal expectations and norms, and somehow is slightly off. YS was never a good student and has a hard time knowing when it’s appropriate to say what, but if people get to know YS they realized that the lack of social skills is more than made up for with YS’s big heart. If someone befriends YS they will have someone who is there for them whenever they need someone. YS is a wonderful listener and doesn’t generally try to give unsolicited advice.

YS I love you, I wish that we were closer. I accept that we are different and will never have the sibling relationship of the movies. That being said I will strive to include you more in my life and be more tolerant when I find you annoying (well I’ll try).

Also this is kind of related, just because you were around your best friends siblings when you were kids does not mean you can say mean things about those siblings. It is okay for me to pick on my YS and to be mean to my YS but nobody else can. I don't care how long we have been friends and how long you have known my YS, I will always defend my YS. Just because you don't have your own siblings and you felt like your friends siblings were like your own, they weren't, you don't make fun of someone else's sibling. I know that BB doesn't read this but I thought I'd vent because it makes me mad when BB picks on YS and makes fun of YS. YS is socially awkward, not stupid, YS knows when you are making fun, even if YS doesn't say anything.

Until next time,  

Me

Best Buddy aka BB

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘B’. B is for Best Buddy and really my Best Buddy really is brilliant. I know that so far I’ve really only aired complaints about BB, and I want you to know that I know BB is not perfect. Then again no one is because there is really no such thing BB is the closest thing to a perfect friend that exists. BB is more than you could ever want in a friend. BB is reliable, outgoing, fun, intelligent, humorous (although BB would say freaking high-larry-us), most important of all I know that BB will always be there for me no matter what. Maybe BB will not be there for every little thing but for the most important things I know I can count on BB. So although I probably don’t appreciate my most fantastic friend as much as I should I would like to remind myself how incredibly luck I am to have BB in my life.

Until next time,

Me