Friday, June 17, 2011

Still there is sadness

Dear Diary,

Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.

I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.

Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.

Until next time,


  1. There is a great deal of sadness in death and so much that is difficult to understand. But it's a part of life that is a mystery as to why certain people die at certain times and others live long. I am thankful that I live where I live in that cruel and senseless death is not a prevalent fact of life, but death that we experience around us is usually more random with time to sort things out between one death and the next.

    I'm twice your age and have seen a number of friends and family pass on, but at the same time feel fortunate that those events are mostly spread out through my lifetime. In the years and decades to come (should I live long enough)I know more people I know will go in greater numbers. It's just the fact of living.

    We have a choice to be happy and make the best of life and I hope that's what I continue to do. It's far better to measure our lives in the happy moments and to move forward with as much positive energy left in our wake as we can contribute.

    I feel for the pain you must feel. You have the power to make it better for yourself and for others. Blessings to you.

    Tossing It Out

  2. I understand your fear. In a 14 month time frame, I knew of 10 people(some very close) to die. I have that illogical fear that the next personmay die as well, but I will not let fear rule my life. God does not want us to live by fear but by faith. Good luck in overcoming this.