Still there is sadness

Dear Diary,

Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.

I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.

Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.

Until next time,
Me

Mother's day

Dear Diary,

Guess what it's Mother's day again. I know it's supposed to be a wonderful day but I think it sucks! I miss my mom so much, there are a lot of times through out the year that I think of my mom and miss her. Mother's day I am reminded of my loss again and again all day long. Everyone on Facebook talks about how they are spending the day with their mom and I'm reminded that my mom has been gone for over 10 years. A lot has happened in those 10 years that I have needed my mom for. So many things in life I always just assumed my mom would be a part of, so much advice I've never gotten. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I don't need my mom, heck I lost her just as I was beginning to appreciate the wisdom of her advice and the wealth of knowledge she had to offer. Sure my mom and I were always close even when I was a teenager, but what teenager really appreciates the advice of parents? I am glad that I never pushed her away that I spent quite a bit of time with her when I had the chance. I am grateful for the time I did have with her, I just wish this stupid holiday would cease to exist so I didn't have to spend a whole day thinking about how different things would be if she were still with me. Add to that the loss of our baby and it makes this day that much more emotionally charged and harder to deal with.

I know there are a lot of people that have lost their mothers and find this day difficult. I know there are a lot of women who have lost babies or never conceived who suffer through this holiday watching others who live their dream celebrate. I know there are a lot of people who love their mothers, but do we really need a holiday for people to show their mothers that they are loved? Do we really need a holiday to remind people to do something nice for their mothers? Does every cashier need to ask me if I've remembered a mother's day present and point to the gift baskets they are supposed to push? Is it petty of me to want to make them feel bad? I really want to say " My mother is dead, Thanks for reminding me" but I don't I politely say no thank you and cry inside because the gift basket had a gardenia scented candle which was my moms favorite.

Until next time,
Me

Would a nose on any other person be as sensitive?

Dear Diary,

Well we are now past the half way point today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘N’. Nose is the topic for today; this was SO’s initial answer when I asked “what is a word that starts with ‘N’?” Of course I didn’t tell SO why I was asking and at first though well that’s not helpful what can I write about a nose. Then I thought I could write about what I find attractive in noses, but that’s not really interesting, nobody cares that it’s one of the features that I’m most drawn to. Or that mine is on the small to average size and covered with freckles.

However I have a very sensitive nose, my sense of smell seems to be more enhanced than other people. That is a topic I can write about … not that anyone is going to find it more interesting to read about. My sensitive nose can get me into trouble, most often this is with YS who (how can I put this tactfully) is not the neatest person. Whenever I go to YS’s house I have to remind myself that it’s not polite to plug my nose, to breath through my mouth and not take deep breaths. There is something about the way YS’s house smells that makes me nauseous. SO can smell it and says it’s unpleasant but not as bad as I seem to think, and YS’s friends don’t seem to notice at all. Also people who have pets that potty in the house cats, hamsters, mice; to me their houses all smell like there are animals that potty in the house. I can’t have a big trash can in the kitchen, we use the plastic bags from grocery stores and take it out every night; other wise I can smell the garbage, especially if there are potato peelings in it.

This sensitive nose of mine is really annoying, I hate walking though the perfume section of department stores, I hate the whole perfume floor. Also there are stores that spray perfume into their stores; Abercrombie is one of the worst. Candle and lotion shops all the scents mingling together is not a pleasant odor either. I have to say I am lucky that smells don’t bring on migraines like they did for my mom, they are generally just unpleasant. I had a friend who was born without the sense of smell, I don’t know that I would want to loose my sense of smell but I always thought it would be nice if I could give this friend some of my extra and we could balance each other out. Now you know more about my nose than you ever wanted to, aren’t you glad you decided to stop by?

Until next time,

Me

My Magnificent Mom

 

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘M’. My mom is what comes to mind when I think of ‘M’. I miss my mom so much; she passed away when I was twenty. I feel luck to have had her in my life for the short time I did because she was an amazing mom. I also feel like I got gypped because I lost her so soon. I have moments when someone will complain about their mother butting into their life and I wish I had their problems. Other times I’ll hear someone comment on how they have never been close with their mother and I’ll feel sorry for them. Before my mom passed away we were really close and I have a hard time understanding what it’s like to not be close to your mother. My parents divorced when I was in grade school and my mom raised three kids on her own and did a darn good job with the few resources she had.

There is so much I could say about my mom, she was smart and had many witty moments. She loved jokes that were on the corny side and would almost always laugh at puns (as long as they were clean, I never heard her laugh at a dirty joke or pun). She was one of the most patient people I’ve ever met; although being the mother of YS I guess that was kind of a requirement. She made you want to do your best and be your best without threats or intimidation. My friends in high school never really understood why I never went through the rebellious stage that they did until they got to know my mom; somehow you didn’t want her to be disappointed in you. When I made poor choices and it was quite often, my mom never really punished me like my friends got punished. My mom would just look at me (with a look that said she had expected better or me and was disappointed) but would only tell me “I trust you to learn from this, and will make a better choice next time.” How can you rebel against that?

My mom taught me so many things, of course the generic things like cooking, baking, cleaning, finances but she taught me more than that she taught me to be a good person. Not that I’m trying to imply I’m always a good person, anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not. I am a caring, understanding and loving person. I occasionally judge people unfairly but I don’t hold a grudge and I’m forgiving (of others I’m still working on being forgiving of myself). My mom always explained how situations might seem from other perspectives (which I try to remember) this helped me to be less judgmental and more understanding of people who I feel have wronged me in some way.

I miss my mom so much, there are so many things in my life that I have needed her for and wanted to share with her. Times when having her to guide me would have made my struggles more bearable. My mom didn’t have an easy life and I’ve always had an added respect for her because she lived her life with such strength and poise despite the hardships. I remember that strength to help me get through my struggles, I remind myself that the strength is somewhere inside me, because my mother put it there. I love you mom and miss you like you wouldn’t believe.

Until next time,

Me

Failure

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘F”. Since I’ve already got a post about flatulence of death, I guess for this challenge ‘F’ will be for failure. Oh did you forget that I’m a bit of a negative person? Well here is your reminder. There are many times when I look at my life and feel like I’m a failure. I’ve failed to obtain my goal education wise. I failed to be there when my mother was sick and dying. I failed to help my older sibling move forward after my mother passed away. I failed to help YS care for my mother when she was at her worst. I have failed to let the past go and start fresh in my relationship with my father. I have failed to find a job in over a year. I have failed in so many things; the failure that hurts the most is when I failed to keep our baby alive. I have failed as a person.

Logically I know that there were many medical problems that prevented our child from surviving but in my heart I feel like I failed, I should have been able to do something. This was not where I intended this diary entry to go. I didn’t think I was ready to talk about this, maybe when I wrote scars it helped me more than I realized. I don’t know but I guess since it came out I’m ready to share a little bit more of the pain I’ve experienced. I guess since it came out in a post about failure you have realized that there are things beyond my control that I internalize as personal failures. The loss of my baby is on the top of that list. Our baby was stillborn and there was nothing I could do, there were numerous serious medical complications with our baby. I think that’s enough for now this was years ago and the pain is still there but we have survived the pain and I guess somehow by surviving I’m not a complete failure. There are things I can’t change, but nothing I can’t learn from. Our baby taught me so much more that I would have thought possible in that short time, I hope that I never fail to remember those lessons.

Until next time,

Me

P.S. Next time wont be so disheartening, I hope.