Friday, June 17, 2011

Still there is sadness

Dear Diary,

Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.

I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.

Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.

Until next time,

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Off days

Dear diary,

I hate when I have off days. When I feel irritated and grumpy for no apparent reason. Today is one of those days. I woke up in a normal state of mind (which for me is always a little tipped toward pessimistic, but not overly negative). SO made pancakes with fresh strawberries on top while I stayed in bed reading. I got up and had breakfast with SO and then we watched some TV shows on Netflix. Then we each spent time doing our own thing and had a salad for lunch. So far it sounds like a pleasant lazy Sunday right? Kind of, it has been but there is also this raging bubble of fury in-side me today and I don't know why. I have kept it under control and I have done an amazing job of not chewing SO's head off for putting too many tomatoes in my salad, or messing with my box of project stuff (all really minor infractions that normally I would barely notice, but today set the rage bubbling). I hate the feel of the rage bubble, sometimes I feel like if I just let it out I will feel better, but I have learned this is not the case. In fact I let it out and inevitably the person who the bubble of fury hits, will say something in their defense, which only leads to a bigger raging bubble of fiery fury taking the place of the bubble that was released.

What I need is a way to make a slow leak in the bubble like when you pinch a balloon and poke a hole so the air releases slowly instead of popping. Sometimes getting out of the house and away from people helps but other times like today the thought of leaving the house expands the bubble just a little more. It would be easier to deal with if I knew what put the raging  bubble of fury inside me in the first place, but I had a wonderful morning and SO has been more than accommodating to my grumpiness. YS sent a text asking what I was up to; which I ignored because dealing with YS is the quickest way to increase the bubbles and the fury. I have to say that the bubble has become less raging since the beginning of the post, maybe writing is the answer. It's still there but it's smaller and tamer, although I still feel off, like anything can trigger the raging bubble of fury to expand and explode, but the pressure from the bubble is receding. Maybe I'll just take my book and hide myself away somewhere until the slow leak can eliminate the bubble.

Does anyone else ever have days of inexplicable inscrutableness and anger? What do you do to calm your inner fury?

Until next time,