Scars

Dear Diary,

SO and I went to visit some friends this weekend. We visit these friends a lot because they are awesome.  SO has been best friends with Argumentative Friend (who will for all future posts be known as AF) longer than I have known SO. We have done so many things with AF and honestly AF and I get along like siblings, maybe a little better but we can argue about anything. AF and PPF are a couple and they have children, who are some of the most awesome kids I’ve ever met.

So far this has nothing to do with what I was going to talk about so refocusing now.  I wanted to talk about AF younger sibling (who will from now forward be referred to as M2). The last we saw M2 was about 7 years ago and M2 was only like 10 or so.  A lot happened in AF and M2’s family and they had to deal with a lot of hard stuff that was very emotional and would challenge someone who was much more mature than the child that M2 was when the stuff happened.  M2 began not eating and cutting as a way to gain some control of a life that was completely out of control.  I knew that M2 was in a facility being cared for because of these problems. In my mind I pictured the little 10 year old child that I remembered, but frail and broken. I was very surprised when we saw M2 and M2 was all grown up, healthy, strong and had turned out to be a very attractive refined person when I remembered a goof-ball of a child.

I mentioned my shock and how good M2 looked to someone and the person said something along the lines of yeah except M2 has scars (from cutting). I realize that cutting is harmful but I am impressed with M2 for surviving, I know that M2 didn’t want to survive. The thing is everyone has scars from the challenges in their life. Most people get to bury their scars deep in their hearts where no one can see them. Sometimes the heart just can’t hold all the hurt and it leaves scars on the surface.

 I am going to share something that I don’t really want other people to know ( I am trying to type the words and they get stuck, my arms feel tingly because my mind is telling me not to share my secret, this diary is not private). I have never admitted what I am attempting to share to anyone in writing or verbally, during the most challenging time of my life I was going to a psychiatrist and I hid this secret from her as well. I can’t make myself type the words in relation to myself I can type them and talk about them in regards to M2, but it’s just too much, it’s too personal. This is a secret no body knows and it hurts to think about sharing it, I’m sure that SO must know but SO has never commented on it, I think SO understands my pain. I also feel that when I work up the courage to revel this secret most people will think it’s nothing but to me it’s huge.  Here goes if I don’t do this now I will chicken out and the tension in my shoulders will cause them to snap.

I have scars on the surface too.

M2 has scars in places that cloths don’t cover; I hid my scars where the rest of the world couldn’t see them. I hid them because I knew people would judge but there was so much pain inside that I needed a way to release it. It was like letting air out of an inflatable ball before it pops. I know how I dealt with my pain was not healthy, but I also know that if I didn’t released the pressure I would have popped just like a ball that has been over inflated. I was over inflated with pain, and then sometimes I felt like I wasn’t feeling enough pain for what I was experiencing and I started using that same release valve to remind myself that there was pressure to release.  I honestly thought that once I wrote the words, I would some how feel relieved that I had shared. I don’t I just feel scared and exposed.  I have so much more to say but I can not continue.

Until next time,

Me