Involuntary attempted suicide

Dear Diary,

Thus far I have talked about things that I felt were somewhat important or thought provoking, even if only to me. And this entry is no different; well maybe it’s a little different. This entry is about involuntary attempted suicide.  What is involuntary attempted suicide? In my case that would be my body trying to kill me while my mind has no knowledge of my body’s treason. You are still not sure what I’m talking about, I can be clearer but you are probably not going to like it.

 Yesterday I was driving home and I was feeling rather gassy, I knew it wasn’t going to wait till I got home, and I was in the car by myself so I let ‘er rip. I know this is not something anyone wants to know. It was the worst smell I have ever smelled. My eyes got all water and I could barely breath, I hesitated to roll down the window because it was raining. Then my brain function returned and reminded me that it was a little water as apposed to imminent death. know not what you were planning to read today, I’m sorry but where else can you talk about a near death experience like this?

Untile next time,
Me

Grammar Tyrants

Dear Diary,

I have found a draw back to making this diary public; there are topics I’m afraid to address. However, I have made a commitment to myself to use this public forum as a diary. Looks like I have also found a benefit to having a small following. Here I begin my attempt to break out of my comfort zone. The topic that I am currently apprehensive to address is my take on spelling and grammar. I am admittedly terrible at spelling and part lazy part ignorant when it comes to grammar. I am pretty good with using the right words in the right places, but punctuation leaves me scratching my head. Why do we need a comma, semi-colon, and a colon? 

That last sentence is why I didn’t want to address this topic, because now someone will feel obliged to tell me why. Not to mention make them read my diary entries with a more critical eye.  I guess I appreciate that. The problem is I’ve been taught before, it just doesn’t stick. Maybe I’m just not a detail oriented person or maybe I don’t care enough. Either way sometimes I misuse or omit punctuation; anyone who has read past posts already knows this. To clear up any potential misconceptions here, if you see a spelling or grammar error feel free to tell me. Maybe with enough repetition it will sink in. Hey you never know.

So now that I have admitted my short comings with regards to the English language (I have many more with other languages). The point I want to get to is my feelings regarding grammar tyrants. To be blunt I feel like grammar tyrants need to get over themselves and start listening to the thoughts and ideas expressed and just let the punctuation and misused words go. I see so many comments to thoughtful posts and articles picked apart by grammar tyrants, is that really necessary? I understand that grammar might be one of your strengths but that doesn’t make your ideas more valid. I have heard the argument that it confuses the reader; do you really want to claim this? (If someone writes “Regardless of weather the child dressed her age or not, rape is rape.” instead of “Regardless of whether the child dressed her age or not, rape is rape.”  with your intellectual powers you cannot determine that, this comment has nothing to do with the temperature outside?) If that is the case, if you honestly thought that comment had something to do with state of the atmosphere, you have my sympathy and may continue to post remarks about grammar.

If you did understand that the person used the wrong word for whatever reason, then listen to the message. Grammar tyrants go on and on about what the abundance of grammatical errors means for our future.  I wonder what it means when people spend so much time looking for errors that they miss the message. I wonder what it means when people are quick to submit corrections rather than provide constructive solutions. We understand that you are smart and want the rest of the world to acknowledge it, and we do we admire your sentences with nothing left dangling. There are many people who do not have the education to match your grammar abilities, but life has taught them many things that are worth listening to. So please put down your red pens and listen to the intended meaning. I’m sure that I have given you many opportunities to use your red pen here. If you must employ your red pen of power do it here where nothing much is being said.

Until next time,

Me

Childhood dreams

Dear Diary,

Today's post is a writing prompt from studio thirty plus, the prompt was "childhood dreams" here are where my thoughts lead me with this prompt.

When I was a child I had the same common dreams that most children have, to grow up to become a veterinarian, a firefighter, an film star or an astronaut. As you probably guessed I am none of these and no longer have the desire to move into any of these career fields. As I got older my career ambitions changed with my interests; with all of my childhood dreams eventually getting lost along the way as life became more about reality rather than fantasy.

As I got older my dreams were less about what I would be doing and more about what my life would be like. I dreamed of growing up and owning a home (which I would layout and build on graph paper). I dreamed of getting married (nothing specific just a lavish wedding to an ambiguous person). I dreamed of having children (no specific number just the right amount to complete our family). I dreamed of having a dog (again not a particular breed, just a loving pet). The problem as time goes by life has a way of progressing whether your life matches your expectations or not. As life goes on I realize these are things society told me I should dream of, these are things that every child is supposed to dream of. What about what I really want in my heart? Why was I never encouraged to explore what was in my heart and let it blossom, why was I given other peoples dreams and told to take them as my own?

As a child you are given things to dream of.
Everyone should want to be a hero or celebrity. What about people who don’t like being the center of attention?
Everyone should want to get married. What about people who fall in love with someone of the same gender?
Everyone should want to have children of their own. What about people who are infertile?
Everyone should want to own a home. What about people who want to move often or don’t want to worry about home repairs?
Everyone should want to have a pet. What are the people who are allergic to animals supposed to do?

Is this really fair to give every child the same expectations for different lives and experiences?  The child me would be very disappointed with the results of my current life, and for quite a while so was the grown-up me. I did not become a celebrity of any kind; I am a faceless office worker who pushes paper, I like that I can act crazy and it doesn’t matter because nobody knows who I am. I am not married; I am in a committed relationship and feel lucky to love SO and know the SO loves me. I do not have children, SO and I love children, we tried to have children and found that a biological child was not the path for us (that is a post for another time). I do not own a home; I rent and right now I relish the fact that if something breaks it is not my problem. I do not have a pet, and I love that I don’t have to clean up after one or find someone to care for it if we want to go out of town.

Does that mean that I never want any of these things? No dreams are fluid they change with life and experience. Eventually I would like to own a home when I’m ready to pick one place and stay there for a while. SO and I would love to foster children and maybe eventually adopt, but life has more to teach us before we feel we are ready to take that step. Will SO and I ever get married, maybe, but right now we have a good, healthy relationship that married couples everywhere should envy (to be honest I’m afraid marriage might ruin the perfection of what we have now).  As for a pet, I love animals, but I do not feel that people should have ownership of other animals.

The point of this is children will always dream of what society tells them they should want. Society needs to change what we tell children. Children should dream of being happy. Children should dream of feeling unconditional love from their future partner. Children should dream of their love being accepted and appreciated for what it is. Children should dream of a career where they feel excited to go to work. Children should dream of all the other wonderful things that are in their hearts. If a child has a love of space, then let them dream of being an astronaut, but don’t tell them that all children should want to be astronauts. If a child loves to dance, then let them dream of being a ballerina, but don’t tell them that all children should want to be ballerinas. Some kids are afraid of the dark, and some kids are not graceful. Some children dream of a faceless job where they excel. Some children dream of someone to love them so much they will not worry about marriage. Some children dream of being an average person that blends into the majority. Some children don’t know what they dream, but when they find their dream they just know.

Looking back, I was a combination of those last few. Society would not accept my dream so I dreamed the dreams I was told I should dream, but I followed the dream that was in my heart. I can’t say that my life is perfect or that I don’t dream that things will change, but I can say my life is pretty good. To others my life might look more like a nightmare than a dream, sometimes it looks that way to me too. I just know that when I really think about the things I was told to dream, I know they couldn’t have made me any happier than I am now, and in some cases those dreams caused me a lot of pain.

Well that was rather long, and personal. I don't know if this is where I thought I would go with this when I started writting it, but hopfuly by exploring these thoughts I have learned something about myself and the expectations put on my by society verses the expectations I put on myself. Always something more to ponder...

Until next time,

Me

Song lyrics that annoy

Dear Diary,

The radio station I listen to plays this Katy Perry song called Fireworks ALL the time but some of the lyrics are annoying to me. "After a hurricane comes a rainbow" I hate this line. I might be a cynic here but I think a rainbow is not sufficient consolation for surviving a hurricane and all the destruction it leaves in its wake. It's kind of like saying I will beat you until you wish for death, but afterward I'll show you my dazzling smile. This song is so up-beat and positive and I really like it, that one line just grates. Now I realize look at the bright side and all that, but sometimes the bright side seems like a stretch.

It's not just in this song, but life in general where the negative is disproportionate to the positive you are expected to enjoy. Maybe it’s about perspective, I would have a hard time enjoying a rainbow after a hurricane, because there are people who get to enjoy rainbows after a mild thunderstorm, plus they get lightning which is also pretty cool. In fact the most beautiful, vivid, double rainbow I’ve ever seen was on a day that was warm, mostly sunny with just a little drizzle.

Perhaps the problem is my inability to focus on the good things in my life. I am naturally pessimistic; however it seems like the bad things in life are really big and the good things are tiny. Time for another of my bad analogies (lucky you second one in this entry); imagine you have a scale like the justice scales, on one side you have a tree (just one, like a Christmas tree with no decorations) on the other side you have a handful of sand (in that handful you have thousands of grains of sand). Now I ask you how is that handful of sand supposed to balance the tree. That is how I see life, I know very depressing.

This is where my mind goes every time I hear that one line, the rest of the song is so positive, but I get lost in these depressing thoughts. In my mind I see pictures of areas that have been devastated by a hurricane, houses turned into toothpicks, roads turned into littered rivers and I wonder if the people affected would even notice there was a rainbow. Thousands of people died due to Hurricane Katrina, I wonder if their families would be consoled with a rainbow. Even if it was more beautiful and vivid than the double rainbow I saw on that beautiful afternoon, somehow I doubt it. I know that I would trade NEVER seeing another rainbow for one day with just one loved one who has passed away.

Sometimes I hear songs and I wonder if these people have ever experienced loss or hardship. Alright I think that is enough heavy thoughts for today.

Until Next time,
Me

If only I could see my life they way I see the lives of other people

Dear Diary,

Today I've got a strange little insight, SO and I had a discussion today about how different people we know go about different aspects of there lives. We talked about how people would have more time if they did this, or how someone else would be less stressed if they did this. Why is it that problems seem so obvious when they are not your problems?

I am sure that people will read this diary and say if that blogger would just do this their life would be so much easier. Why is it we cannot see these things for ourselves? Are we too close to the situation? Too emotionally involved? What is it that makes our own lives so challenging, yet we are able to see solutions to the problems of others at just a glance?

Maybe it’s because we don’t have all the details, maybe other people’s lives are just as complicated as our own. Maybe we see a plastic bottle floating in their otherwise pristine lake of life and think if they would just get rid of that bottle it would be perfect, but they know that bottle is connected to a huge drain and if they remove the bottle the lake will all go down the drain and dry out.

It’s easy to answer an equation with just a few steps, but not as easy if there are parenthesis, exponents and logarithms. I guess the moral of this story is I should focus on my own stuff. I need to remember that what I see on the surface is not all that is involved. I don’t think SO and I talking about other people’s lives was a bad thing (it’s not like it was gossip exactly), I think it shows we care and want to help, but ultimately you can’t fix things for other people they’ve got to figure it out for themselves. 

Until next time,

Me

Dew drops and a daffodil

I like the dew drop in this picture.

This picture didn't come out as I had hoped. I don't know what it is about it, it's not a favorite, but I still like it.

Roommates can be friends, but friends should never be roommates

Dear Diary,

I have wanted to write about this for a while, but I'm having a hard time articulating exactly what I'm feeling and experiencing. I have a feeling this is going to be a rambling post with thought tangents branching out in all directions, but we will see. The topic that I'm going to attempt to tackle is how living with BB has changed our friendship, my views of BB and my views of myself.

The most general way to put this is that by living with BB I have somehow lost my best buddy. BB will always be one of my closest pals, but there is an element that died when we became roommates. First off being around someone all the time is quite different than hanging out with someone (generally during good times) then going home to different locations. When you are hanging out you naturally interact the whole time, because you will have your quiet alone time latter, but when you live with someone it's hard to know when the other person is enjoying quiet alone time and you will be intruding and when they would welcome an interruption. Also when I am moving from one location to another location and I pass BB, there is an awkwardness. I feel I have to acknowledge BB or seem rude, but at the same time I was on my way to do something and don't want to get involved in a conversation right then.

Mostly I miss the open communication that is natural between best buddies. Normally when a roommate does something to annoy you but it's not something you feel is confrontation worthy, you rant about it to your best buddy and they have your back, even when it's something stupid like not rinsing out the dishrag after using it. If your best buddy is your roommate, where do you turn? When you and your significant other have a disagreement, you hash it out with your best buddy. If you live with your significant other and your best buddy that puts your best buddy in an awkward situation because they have to live with your significant other too.

I have learned a lot about BB that is hard to reconcile with the person I knew before, or thought I knew. For the longest time I was under the impression that BB was much smarter than I was, but living together I have learned that BB is trivia fact smart. I guess I was under the impression that because BB was the first to speak up and replied with confidence BB must be correct, even if I was thinking something else was correct. Previous to our living together, I was under the impression that BB's stories were closer to the actual event, rather than as embellished as I see they are. I have learned that BB struggles with self esteem when before I was under the impression that BB was confident and unfazed by the remarks of others.

I have learned that I am a stronger person than I believed. I have realized that by comparing myself to how I perceived other people was not fair to me and was skewing my self perception, because no matter how it seems everyone has their own struggles. I have learned that I judge those I care about harsher than I judge strangers. I hold the people I care about to standards that are sometimes unrealistic for who they are. I am now aware that I need to work on acceptance and understanding of my loved ones. I understand that even your best buddy wants you to see them in the best light possible and hide their flaws. My eyes have been opened to the fact that no matter how annoying BB is, no matter how embellished BB's stories are, no matter how many times BB takes credit for my thoughts or insights, no matter how much I secretly cuss BB; I will always be there for BB and I will always care about BB. I only hope that when we are no longer roommates we can renew our friendship to what it was before.

Until next time,
Me

The end is just another beginning

I enjoy this photo for so many reasons, it's hard to know where to start. I appreciate the different textures, the brittle shell, the whispy soft seed fluff. I smile at how the light in the fluffy seed stuff gives it a bit of inner glow. I admire how the focus of the plant is so crisp while the background is just a blur.

A special place

Dear Diary,
Saying good-bye is never easy. Especially if you're saying good-bye to the only place you've ever known. Especially if it is a place that holds most of your memories.

I look around one last time, the ugly grayish white fake wood paneling with the spot that looks like the Hulk when it's dark and you're trying to sleep. The sea of multi-tone blue shag carpeting where the mermaids would sit while I told them stories and the dolphins would jump through my hula-hoop, it's been a while since my sea friends came to play.

It's empty now, in my mind I take my things out of the truck and put them back where they go, my bed on the left side of the room YS's bed on the right (it still irks me that YS got to be near the window even though I am older)  I pull out the white and yellow striped sheets and the light blue comforters and make the beds… something is wrong; that's right YS never made the bed, I yank that comforter off and drop it on the floor where it always ended up. Now I put the white dresser with three drawers on my side and three drawers on YS's side between the beds. The small table lamp with the plain beige shade goes in the middle of the dresser because I’m supposed to share (just a little closer to my side, so I can see better to read). Books I need my stack of books, my mind finds them, not the books that were there most recently but my favorites through the years, picture books mixed with chapter books. My dual deck AM/FM boom box sits behind my books, I can’t see much of it from the door, but a little black peeks over the edge of the dresser toward my bed, and the antenna pokes out from behind my stack of books.

Now for the toy boxes that Santa brought us for Christmas years ago, the ones that mom made, hand painted with a soft top so we could sit on them. That’s right they go at the foot of our beds, now my mind fills them with all of my beloved toys that did not make it to the truck, the only toys on the truck are the ones that lived on my bed. I need to put them on the bed near my pillow there that’s better the stuffed dinosaur pajama holder from grandpa the Christmas before he died, and my big bear that has guarded me for as long as I can remember, the smaller bear that my mom made.

I notice the walls are blank, still just the ugly paneling, the window is big and empty looking onto the street, where are the curtains? I go to the dumpster and I find the dingy yellow curtains with the horizontal slit at the bottom where YS tore them while fighting with pirates. I put my shelf back up and put up my special collection of what-nots. I put up YS’s stuffed toy hammock (I know I always complained about it but the place is just not right without that burst of color) and I put the ugly orange monkey hanging down because that’s where it goes. I put up the water color of the ocean that our uncle made many years before we were born, it’s not the greatest picture and it’s in a cheap plastic black frame, but it’ always been centered over the dresser. I take all my drawings and hang them back over my bed; I’m a very good artist, maybe when I have nieces or nephews I’ll draw them a picture to hang in there room. I hang YS’s magazine cut outs and school art projects back where they were.

There now it’s all set in my mind, everything unpacked and put where it goes. I focus all of my energy on the scene before me. It’s important to remember because if I ever want to come back to this place this will be the only door to the only bedroom I have ever known.

Until next time,
Me

People my age

Dear Diary,

I was wasting time on facebook today and I realized that I'm not like other people my age. I look at people my age and I just don't fit with that group. Some examples:

People my age are not supposed to be renting a crap ass apartment with their SO and BB.
They have mortgages on houses with families or condos living it up bachelor style.

People my age have careers, they have a place they are supposed to go a set number of days a week, and it might be a crappy career, but it's one they chose.
Not a job they take because it's the only thing they can get, that only lasts long enough to pay the bills for a while.

People my age have families (see most of the people my age on facebook) or live extravagant lifestyles (look at my friend who has been snowboarding like 100 times this season, or my other friend who decided to go the Hawaii for a long weekend because it was something new) or they do both (like my friends who took their family which includes 2 children to Greece, because that's where they wanted to vacation).
They do not hope to do these things some day,  they do it now.

Why do people my age do it now, because if we wait too much longer we will be old. I have total respect for people who do adventurous things in their 70's and 80's (and don't get me wrong I have a good 40 + years before I'm in that age bracket) and you have to have some admiration for people who start families latter in live, because really kids are a lot of work, and who wants to be chasing toddlers for retirement? I realize that this is a very pessimistic view, but I think we have already established I'm a pessimistic person.

Point? Right sometimes I loose sight of that. I remember when I was learning to read in elementary school; the kids who were advanced were the eagles, the kids who were average were bluebirds, and the slow kids were sparrows (kind of mean right since sparrow is a more difficult word to figure out than bluebird). Anyway I was an eagle and I always felt bad for the sparrows because they were so far behind the rest of us. Now I feel like I'm the only sparrow watching the eagles soar and hearing the bluebirds sing, while I'm doing nothing. How did I go from figuring things out so easily to always feeling like I'm trying to catch  up?

Does anyone else ever feel like they become more developmentally challenged as they progress through life?

Falling Water

I really love this photo. I think what I love is the simplicity. I was at the botanical gardens and right in the middle there was a fountain, this was the top of the fountain where it would shoot the water up and it would come falling back. Strangely it reminded me of when people throw babies in the air and catch them, the freedom and joy in the faces of the babies, because they know that they will be caught and get to do it all over again. It's kind of sad to know that we loose that trust and freedom, as we put expectations on our lives and loved ones that lead to disappointment.

Placating

Dear Diary,

Today I commented on a blog that I read occasionally when the title sounds interesting. The comment that I made was to my mind simply a different perspective, but the blog author took great offense to the comment. To start with I did post anonymously, not because I was trying to hide who I was but because it was easier. I will admit that if a person writes a negative comment and does so anonymously it comes across as cowardly, but I do not feel my comment was negative. To my way of viewing it my comment was actually more positive than the other comments. Once she questioned the anonymity I replied explaining that I meant no offense and leaving my name.

The blog was about a woman who was taking a celibacy break to regroup from (her words) "the parade of douches in my life". The post I read today was titled "Celibacy Fail" sounds interesting right, and it was. Her post came down to the fact that she had meet a guy and was now dating him, because he seems nice. My comment was " Reality check, they all seem nice until they seem douchey. Maybe the reason you seem to meet douchey guys is because you feel they are worth breaking a commitment to yourself, if he really is a great guy not only will he honor your commitment to yourself but he will be supportive and encouraging of said commitment." What I don't understand is what there is to take offense to in this comment. Isn't that like taking offense to someone saying you deserve to be respected?

The point of my entry has little to do with what her post was about or even what my comment said. My post is why does every comment have to be placating the writer of the blog? Every other comment was placating, I went through some of this blogger's older posts and guess what every comment this blogger has gotten (that I read) is placating, it's not sharing of other insights or perspectives, it's mostly patting this lady on the back for everyday stuff or telling her that they agree with everything she said. 

I wondered if other blogs were like this so I headed over to some of my favorites which you can find on the right side panel. Not really, most comments are positive, (but I feel that my comment was positive, just not what the blogger wanted to hear) but they share personal experiences that are related, or give additional info. Maybe the point of this blogger's blog is to have people tell her how wonderful she is, if that's the case I have to wonder about her self-esteem, and how her regular readers know this. Maybe I don't understand because I don't really write to amuse the masses. My writing serves a cathartic purpose, If others read it and can help me figure things out, point me in another direction, or just give me a different perspective for my random thoughts and entries then all the better.

I do not want people telling me they agree with everything I have to say, I want their insights. I want something that can help me to better my understanding of the topics I write about. I would love if someone were to read this and be able to tell me what was offensive about my comment to the other blogger, shed some light on it so I can see it in the same way as the blogger whom I inadvertently offended. Moral of the story if you read my blog do not feel the need to placate me, do feel the need to give it some thought and share your perspective.

So do you think most bloggers want to be placated? I'll have to think so more on this.

Until next time,
Me

Self Diagnosing

Dear Diary,

Do you know what bugs me? Self Diagnosing. I know people who look at symptoms and decide what is wrong with them, maybe based on past experience, maybe based on a little google research, but mostly based on a combination of what they are hoping is the wrong and what will sound the most sympathy worth. My younger sibling (YS from now on) is really good at self diagnosing physical symptoms like if YS has a cough it must be a cold, unless YS wants to go somewhere and a cold would interfere with desired plans, then it's just allergies. Also self diagnosing is convenient because the diagnoses can change as needed. YS wanted to go out the night before and tells everyone it's fine it's just allergies, but the next day when YS was supposed to clean, "I can't I just don't have the energy I have a terrible cold". This is not such a big deal since YS lives alone and not cleaning doesn't affect anyone else, but it's an example I've heard numerous times.

The self diagnosing that bugs me most is the mental diagnoses. BB's favorite self diagnoses is OCD neat freak. I'm going to point out I have seen no evidence that would lead anyone to believe this diagnosis is accurate, but that doesn't stop BB from sharing this self diagnoses with the world as though it were an actual diagnoses. What I do have is evidence that this diagnosis is not fitting for BB. BB has some indoor pets (Okay this is a personal belief, but I do not think that a true OCD neat freak would have an indoor pet) since these pets live indoors they potty indoors, BB does not seem to smell their potty as strongly or as quickly as SO and I because BB does not clean the potty as often as SO and I would prefer. Also BB, SO and I have lived together for many months now and BB never cleans unless out of town company is coming over and then only if it is BB's company. That means that in the many months we have lived here BB has vacuumed twice, let me repeat that for you in capitol letters so it sinks in BB HAS ONLY VACUUMED TWICE. What OCD neat freak can go months with out vacuuming? I can't even go weeks without vacuuming and I honestly do not think I'm a neat freak. The OCD part looking at that on it's own, there are things that BB likes a certain way, like where the table is in the eat in kitchen. Do I think this is a sign of OCD no I think it has more to do with BB trying to assert authority, and I stubbornly move the table farther into the corner and out of the way on a regular basis (maybe that means I'm OCD, no it means I like the table out of the way so I can get to the washing machine).

What really baffles me about the mental self diagnosing, why would you want people to think you have mental problems? Even if you really thought you had a problem, wouldn't you talk to your shrink about it and try to overcome these problems? Did I miss the memo that having a mental disorder was a good thing, is it hip now? I have no problem with people embracing their quirky habits. If you are a neat freak, love who you are. If you are NOT don't tell people you are, you should love YOUR QUIRKS not some other persons quirks.

Until next time,
Me

Perfection

Dear Diary,

It seems a number of the blogs that I read have been discussing perfection. Although I have had a entry that touched on this slightly, I've not  really talked in depth about this, and I might have insightful thoughts on this, or I might ramble we'll have to see.

To start with I do not see myself as perfect, even for the definition I use. Oh yes, I should probably explain my take on this. I think there is no perfect, perfect, but rather many perfects. I think that everyone has the potential to be the perfect version of themselves. I admire where people are going when they say there is no such thing as perfect, however, this takes away the motivation to strive for perfection. I think there is a best or perfect version of every individual, that encompasses all of their personal quirks, dreams, and uniqueness.

For explanations sake we will use myself as an example. I am not my perfect self, I'm a pretty good version of myself, but I feel that I can work on areas. I know that I can work harder at the exercise regiment, and I can measure food portions, and that would take me a step closer to my perfect self, but not because I would be thinner or healthier, but because I would be learning to over come emotional battles and I would be teaching myself better dedication and self discipline (side note I do not think that plastic surgery has a place in anyone's perfect self). Mostly I feel that my perfect self would be more understanding of others, this is something I am actively working on, trying to put myself in the position of other people so that I'm less judgmental of them. (honesty insert I am striving for this because I was noticing that my animal print friend (APF from now on) is a very judgmental person and I do not want other people to view me that way, I don't seem so noble now do I?) There are so many things I need to work on to become close to my perfect self, my perfect self would not only accept my quirks and things that make me unique but would love them and flaunt them as a symbol of how they make me perfectly me.

Until next time,
Me

Sprung a leak

I recall the hike where this photo was taken, it was one of the shortest hikes, in fact I don't know that it was long enough or rugged enough to call it a hike, it was more of a quick nature jaunt. The point of telling you the background, although it was a beautiful area, it was short so we took pictures of everything. I did not have any expectations of this picture, I just liked the rustic feel and the obvious force of the water leaking out of the crack. I'm really glad we weren't ready to get back in the car, it made me look past the surface to find something powerful.

Enough with the unsolicited attention

Dear Diary,

Today was a good day, got out of the house spent time with Significant other (hum I need an abbreviation for that so I don't have to write it out every time ... how about SO? I know not very creative but it's easy, in fact I think I'm going to make an abbreviation key to go on the side of my blog) and did a bit of socializing. However, when have you ever known me to focus on the positive? So onto something less positive and more puzzling; how is it that some people seem to be checked-out and hit on no matter where they go?

I'm being sarcastic-ish with this question, mostly because I think these people are reading into things or making crap up to feel better about themselves. Most of the time I am not around when this unsolicited attention takes place and I know more than one person who this question / observation applies to. This thought is prominent in my mind because I am living with my Best Buddy (now to be known as BB, another abbreviation for you) who is one of these people, but there are others who fit in this category as well. I look at the people in my life who claim to be hit on or checked-out on a regular basis, and most of them are average in appearance, I wouldn't say that any of these people are ugly by societies standards, but I wouldn't say that any of them are beautiful by societies standards. So it's not like I'm having some sort of self-esteem issue here because lets face it I do not get hit on or checked-out on a regular basis; but from what I see neither do they.

One example of my BB claiming to get checked-out; we are walking along a long stretch of sidewalk, and a person of the opposite sex is walking towards us, the person walking towards us smiles in our direction as we walk past. BB lowers voice and says something along the lines of 'did you see that person checking me out?'. Now I have two issues with this; the first being isn't it common courtesy to acknowledge other people and isn't this generally done with a smile and bit of eye contact? The second issue being the other person also made eye contact with me as they smiled and passed, why would you assume that IF any checking out was being done, that it was not me being checked-out? Okay so that was my example as to why I think people who are always claiming to be hit on / checked-out are reading into things.

Next onto why I think they may also make crap up to feel better about themselves. I will use another friend for this example I don't want to pick on BB too much, and these stories are pretty universal for this type of person in my experience. So this other friend I will call pink friend (I guess I need an abbreviation for this person too, I now dub them PF). So I have gone out with PF lots of times to lots of different places, and I have never seen anyone hit on or check out PF. However every time PF talks to me about somewhere PF has gone without me, doesn't matter where (grocery store, mall, the mechanics), someone was hitting on PF or checking PF out. To hear PF talk you would think they were a highly recognizable celebrity who never wore a disguise unless I am with PF. Now I understand that a person who finds PF attractive may not find me attractive, but what are the chances that PF would be inundated with unsolicatied attention all the time with the ONLY acception being when I'm around? I just don't buy it.

The point of these stories is really me wondering about how people get to the point where they need so much admiration from others that they read into simple common courtesies and make up fictional attention? Okay so BB is single and looking for love but PF is happily married. I feel that maybe society is partly to blame, I know that movies and magazines get blamed for a lot that is wrong with society, but how many times can you be shown over and over that if you are worth something, if you are beautiful, if you are successful, people will fall all over themselves to shower you with attention. Besides random strangers checking you out or hitting on you say nothing about you as a person, the way I see it, it says more about the random strangers and their superficiality, because lets face it if they don't know you and are hitting on you it's not for your brains (unless they are zombies, then chop off their head and run because they are generally travel in groups).

Until next time,
Me

First feeling of deprivation

Dear Diary,

I'm going to be sharing another tidbit of information; I'm vegetarian. People would classify me as vegan, but I really don't like that term. It is true that I do not eat animal products and it is also true that I avoid products that were produced by or made from animals. I believe in altruism toward animals. What bugs me about the term vegan is that their needs to be a term, to specify how closely someone follows a way of life. Isn't a vegetarian who eats animal products the equivalent to a Christmas and Easter Christian? What is the point of classifying yourself as something if the classification doesn't fit? What really annoys me about the term vegan is that with it people expect you to have some moral high horse agenda. If you tell someone you are vegan it's like you are attacking their personal views and they need to go on the offensive and get you defending your choices. What I want to know is, "How does what I choose not to eat affect someone else?" People assume that if you are vegan you will start preaching about why they should be vegan also. Do I have a list of reasons, Yes I can think of numerous benefits. Am I going to tell you about them, No if you wanted to know you'd do your own research. I'll make my choices and everyone else will make their choice.

Now that we have that tangent out of the way on to my first feelings of deprivation. I have been a vegetarian for many years now. Most of the time there is a delightful option that tastes similar to what I remember from my pre-vegetarian days. However there are some things that I have not found vegetarian options for, such as lemon meringue pie, angel food cake, and white chocolate. Most of the time there are other options that I am perfectly content choosing instead. However I live with my best bud who bought one of those items that I don't know how to make or where to get a vegetarian version. This is killing me, it is sitting in the kitchen taunting me. Years of being vegetarian and having people ask me don't you miss anything, and being able to honestly tell them "nope". I am being taunted by baked goods. I feel like I am missing out, because it's there, in my kitchen, ready to be consumed. I guess I'm lucky that I've never really missed something before. I don't have any intention of eating my best buds sweet treat. I'm pretty sure that even if I did it would in no way taste as good as I remember.

I'm just startled to realize that I feel as though I am missing out on something. I guess it wouldn't be hard to respect animals if you were never tempted, and for many years it hasn't been hard for me. I guess this experience has taught me a few things. 1. I do have self control after all. 2. You never realize how easy something is till it gets harder.

Until next time,
Me

Sunset from a cave

So the first photo that I am putting in my diary is "Sunset from a Cave". This was taken many years ago and is still my favorite picture that I have taken, I recently set up a flicker account and entered in into a viewers choice, raw photo contest, where it took first place.

This is my diary

Dear Diary,

Well I guess this is my diary so it will be full of my private thoughts and feelings about; well anything and probably everything that comes into my mind as I type. I will probably express thoughts and feeling that many people do not agree with and may offend someone, I apologize in advance (hopefully I haven't offended anyone yet). On that note I need to clarify something, I am writing this for myself, I do not expect many people or any people to read this, I am doing this as a type of therapy, and making it public might help keep me honest. It will not be the most exciting reading, because lets face it my life is not exciting. In fact I am a bit of a home body.

I think I should start by documenting where I am in my life right now. I am basically no where, see not exciting at all.  I live with my fiance (I know I'm quite the heathen, living together before marriage) but we have been engaged for years and together for years before that, basically we have been together longer than a lot of marriages have lasted. I also live with my best buddy who I have known longer than I have been in my relationship with my significant other. There will be a lot on this topic, because I have learned a lot about friendship, and myself through this experience.

My significant other and myself have both been unemployed longer than I care to think about and since both of us are very capable and intelligent people and one of us (the one that is not me) has a graduate degree I am very disillusioned by the length of our unemployment . I have reason to hope that my unemployment will end soon, but I've thought that before with discouraging results, so we shall see.

I am not the most positive of people, in fact if I'm honest (see making this public is already helping) I'm naturally pessimistic. If someone says they will meet me somewhere at a specific time and they are not there my mind jumps right to them lying dead in a ditch somewhere being eaten by rabid raccoons. The prospect of them running into a little traffic never enters my head. What does enter my thoughts, that they really hate me and just didn't want to tell me they never wanted to meet me in the first place. The everybody must hate me thoughts generally come right after the raccoons have consumed their appendages, but never does something so benign as a flat tire or a road construction detour enter my mind.

I don't like confrontation, I have elaborate debates and arguments in my head (where my point of view is always victorious). In real life I generally just smile and agree then tell someone else (who I think will see my point of view) what I was thinking and how the other person was wrong or completely illogical. The point in stating that I am pessimistic and dislike confrontation is that these are things I am trying to work on. Nothing wrong with trying to improve myself, but I do have my work cut out for me.

I think right now I might be fighting a slight case of depression (if I am it is completely reasonable given life events which I'm sure I'll get into at some point) because I find it hard to motivate myself to do much of anything, most days I stay in watching television shows on the computer. I'm not actually sure if I'm depressed or just unimaginative it's kind of hard to think of things to do on cold rainy days when you have no money. Or is that just another excuse or justification (I'm really good at those).

Okay enough about where I am, maybe my next entry will be about dreams for the future and where I hope to go. I have a bucket list floating around somewhere maybe I'll put that in here, it will be good to have all my thoughts in a centralized location.

Until next time,
Me