Friday, February 18, 2011

This is my diary

Dear Diary,

Well I guess this is my diary so it will be full of my private thoughts and feelings about; well anything and probably everything that comes into my mind as I type. I will probably express thoughts and feeling that many people do not agree with and may offend someone, I apologize in advance (hopefully I haven't offended anyone yet). On that note I need to clarify something, I am writing this for myself, I do not expect many people or any people to read this, I am doing this as a type of therapy, and making it public might help keep me honest. It will not be the most exciting reading, because lets face it my life is not exciting. In fact I am a bit of a home body.

I think I should start by documenting where I am in my life right now. I am basically no where, see not exciting at all.  I live with my fiance (I know I'm quite the heathen, living together before marriage) but we have been engaged for years and together for years before that, basically we have been together longer than a lot of marriages have lasted. I also live with my best buddy who I have known longer than I have been in my relationship with my significant other. There will be a lot on this topic, because I have learned a lot about friendship, and myself through this experience.

My significant other and myself have both been unemployed longer than I care to think about and since both of us are very capable and intelligent people and one of us (the one that is not me) has a graduate degree I am very disillusioned by the length of our unemployment . I have reason to hope that my unemployment will end soon, but I've thought that before with discouraging results, so we shall see.

I am not the most positive of people, in fact if I'm honest (see making this public is already helping) I'm naturally pessimistic. If someone says they will meet me somewhere at a specific time and they are not there my mind jumps right to them lying dead in a ditch somewhere being eaten by rabid raccoons. The prospect of them running into a little traffic never enters my head. What does enter my thoughts, that they really hate me and just didn't want to tell me they never wanted to meet me in the first place. The everybody must hate me thoughts generally come right after the raccoons have consumed their appendages, but never does something so benign as a flat tire or a road construction detour enter my mind.

I don't like confrontation, I have elaborate debates and arguments in my head (where my point of view is always victorious). In real life I generally just smile and agree then tell someone else (who I think will see my point of view) what I was thinking and how the other person was wrong or completely illogical. The point in stating that I am pessimistic and dislike confrontation is that these are things I am trying to work on. Nothing wrong with trying to improve myself, but I do have my work cut out for me.

I think right now I might be fighting a slight case of depression (if I am it is completely reasonable given life events which I'm sure I'll get into at some point) because I find it hard to motivate myself to do much of anything, most days I stay in watching television shows on the computer. I'm not actually sure if I'm depressed or just unimaginative it's kind of hard to think of things to do on cold rainy days when you have no money. Or is that just another excuse or justification (I'm really good at those).

Okay enough about where I am, maybe my next entry will be about dreams for the future and where I hope to go. I have a bucket list floating around somewhere maybe I'll put that in here, it will be good to have all my thoughts in a centralized location.

Until next time,

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