Monday, March 28, 2011

Struggles with weight loss

Dear Diary,
I think today might be the day to get a little more personal. That’s right today I am going to dive into something that is hard to talk about and is a topic that I find embarrassing. Today I am going to talk about my weight. I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. The crazy thing is I remember kids in elementary school giving me a hard time for being fat, but I look at my old class pictures now and I’m taller than most of the kids and bigger, but I was not fat. I wonder if because I was told I was fat from such a young age, I just believed it. What do they call that a self-fulfilling prophecy?
No matter what lead to my becoming over weight, I am over weight now.  I get frustrated because some people don’t think about what they are eating or how much exercise they get and are thin regardless. There were times when I was actively trying to loose weight and it seemed like nothing I did made any difference. I know they say it’s all about numbers, calories in should be less than calories burned, but sometimes that just doesn’t cut it. There were times when I was unhealthy in my attempt to loose weight; I was so desperate to fit into society’s standard of attractive (which means skinny).
The thing I find interesting is most people think I don’t care at all about my weight, because I don’t talk about it. Really I don’t talk about it because I’m embarrassed about it, and think that if I ignore it other people will not notice. At the same time I think that every time I eat something everyone thinks rude thoughts. For example if I eat something unhealthy in my mind people are thinking “Do you really think you need that? Don’t you think you’re fat enough?” Or if I eat something healthy like a carrot in my mind people are thinking “That’s right fatty, you need to loose weight”.  Same thing goes for exercise in my mind everyone is watching me and judging how fast I go or how much I jiggle, because that’s right I jiggle. I don’t tell people when I am trying to loose weight not just because it’s embarrassing, but also because they will critic my size and notice it more, and what if I don’t loose weight?
It took a long time but I have come to terms with my weight, don’t get me wrong I still battle with my weight and body issues. I no longer starve myself or exercise excessively. I realize that I need to pay attention to what I eat, but when I eat poorly I don’t beat myself up and deprive myself of everything but celery and water (okay I was never that bad, although I wished I was). I realize that I need to get lots of exercise because that’s what my body needs, but I don’t force myself to stay on the stair climber until I burn over 1,000 calories (I did that once it took 2 ½  hours and I felt so sick and light headed afterward).
Right now I am really bad at eating healthy and exercising but that’s okay because those who care about me don’t care if I need to loose weight. Those who care about me just want me to be happy and healthy. I have been working on getting my eating back on track, but I’m taking it slow and making sure that I can stick to it long term. I am looking into exercising programs, but I’m looking at them realistically to make sure the program I choose is something I will be willing to do 3 years from now.  I am never going to like zucchini and I am never going to be a runner, trying to force things I don’t like on myself will only make me miserable and lead to failure every time.
I am learning that my worth is not based on my weight, something that I have believed for years.  I have a lot to offer the world that is not related to size or appearance. I am learning to care about myself the way my loved ones care about me. My goal is to learn to love myself unconditionally, this is something that should be natural, but in reality I have more conditions for the love of my self than I have for the random homeless stranger on the corner.  I am under no delusions, I know that this is going to be a long process with highs and lows, I also know that I am worth the effort.
Until Next time,

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