Still there is sadness

Dear Diary,

Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.

I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.

Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.

Until next time,
Me

Mother's day

Dear Diary,

Guess what it's Mother's day again. I know it's supposed to be a wonderful day but I think it sucks! I miss my mom so much, there are a lot of times through out the year that I think of my mom and miss her. Mother's day I am reminded of my loss again and again all day long. Everyone on Facebook talks about how they are spending the day with their mom and I'm reminded that my mom has been gone for over 10 years. A lot has happened in those 10 years that I have needed my mom for. So many things in life I always just assumed my mom would be a part of, so much advice I've never gotten. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I don't need my mom, heck I lost her just as I was beginning to appreciate the wisdom of her advice and the wealth of knowledge she had to offer. Sure my mom and I were always close even when I was a teenager, but what teenager really appreciates the advice of parents? I am glad that I never pushed her away that I spent quite a bit of time with her when I had the chance. I am grateful for the time I did have with her, I just wish this stupid holiday would cease to exist so I didn't have to spend a whole day thinking about how different things would be if she were still with me. Add to that the loss of our baby and it makes this day that much more emotionally charged and harder to deal with.

I know there are a lot of people that have lost their mothers and find this day difficult. I know there are a lot of women who have lost babies or never conceived who suffer through this holiday watching others who live their dream celebrate. I know there are a lot of people who love their mothers, but do we really need a holiday for people to show their mothers that they are loved? Do we really need a holiday to remind people to do something nice for their mothers? Does every cashier need to ask me if I've remembered a mother's day present and point to the gift baskets they are supposed to push? Is it petty of me to want to make them feel bad? I really want to say " My mother is dead, Thanks for reminding me" but I don't I politely say no thank you and cry inside because the gift basket had a gardenia scented candle which was my moms favorite.

Until next time,
Me

My Magnificent Mom

 

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘M’. My mom is what comes to mind when I think of ‘M’. I miss my mom so much; she passed away when I was twenty. I feel luck to have had her in my life for the short time I did because she was an amazing mom. I also feel like I got gypped because I lost her so soon. I have moments when someone will complain about their mother butting into their life and I wish I had their problems. Other times I’ll hear someone comment on how they have never been close with their mother and I’ll feel sorry for them. Before my mom passed away we were really close and I have a hard time understanding what it’s like to not be close to your mother. My parents divorced when I was in grade school and my mom raised three kids on her own and did a darn good job with the few resources she had.

There is so much I could say about my mom, she was smart and had many witty moments. She loved jokes that were on the corny side and would almost always laugh at puns (as long as they were clean, I never heard her laugh at a dirty joke or pun). She was one of the most patient people I’ve ever met; although being the mother of YS I guess that was kind of a requirement. She made you want to do your best and be your best without threats or intimidation. My friends in high school never really understood why I never went through the rebellious stage that they did until they got to know my mom; somehow you didn’t want her to be disappointed in you. When I made poor choices and it was quite often, my mom never really punished me like my friends got punished. My mom would just look at me (with a look that said she had expected better or me and was disappointed) but would only tell me “I trust you to learn from this, and will make a better choice next time.” How can you rebel against that?

My mom taught me so many things, of course the generic things like cooking, baking, cleaning, finances but she taught me more than that she taught me to be a good person. Not that I’m trying to imply I’m always a good person, anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not. I am a caring, understanding and loving person. I occasionally judge people unfairly but I don’t hold a grudge and I’m forgiving (of others I’m still working on being forgiving of myself). My mom always explained how situations might seem from other perspectives (which I try to remember) this helped me to be less judgmental and more understanding of people who I feel have wronged me in some way.

I miss my mom so much, there are so many things in my life that I have needed her for and wanted to share with her. Times when having her to guide me would have made my struggles more bearable. My mom didn’t have an easy life and I’ve always had an added respect for her because she lived her life with such strength and poise despite the hardships. I remember that strength to help me get through my struggles, I remind myself that the strength is somewhere inside me, because my mother put it there. I love you mom and miss you like you wouldn’t believe.

Until next time,

Me