Still there is sadness

Dear Diary,

Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.

I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.

Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.

Until next time,
Me

Quiet

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘Q’. I like things quiet. Even from a young age, I liked the quiet. Libraries are a wonderful place where it is always quiet. When I was a kid, my younger sibling and older sibling would fight over music and turn their stereos louder and louder. When this happened I would take whatever book I was reading outside and sit in the peach tree in our back yard, when the weather was bad I would grab a flashlight and take refuge in my parent’s closet. My parent’s room was at the other end of the house and the walk-in closet had a door that I would close, then I would crawl over shoes and boxes into the nook in the corner and read in the beautiful silence. When my parents divorced YS responded vocally and loudly and I spent almost every night after homework in the closet reading and escaping the noise.

I still like quiet. I’m lucky to have respectful neighbors that we hardly ever hear. It works out nicely that SO is also content in quiet. Unless we are watching a movie the only sound you hear in our room is the clicking of keys or the turning of pages. The only issue with this is we want to foster kids and kids are not quiet. I often wonder how parents don’t loose their minds or at least have ear plugs surgically implanted. I know that fostering kids will be so rewarding and that SO and I will make wonderful foster parents, I’m just not sure how I will adapt to noise. Our friends have kids and we are fine around them, even though they are not quiet, but not everyday. I’m probably one of a handful of people who think about thinks like this when thinking of parenthood. For now I’ll just enjoy the quiet and daydream about the noisy and hectic times I hope our in our future.

Until next time,

Me