Still there is sadness

Dear Diary,

Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.

I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.

Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.

Until next time,
Me

Off days

Dear diary,

I hate when I have off days. When I feel irritated and grumpy for no apparent reason. Today is one of those days. I woke up in a normal state of mind (which for me is always a little tipped toward pessimistic, but not overly negative). SO made pancakes with fresh strawberries on top while I stayed in bed reading. I got up and had breakfast with SO and then we watched some TV shows on Netflix. Then we each spent time doing our own thing and had a salad for lunch. So far it sounds like a pleasant lazy Sunday right? Kind of, it has been but there is also this raging bubble of fury in-side me today and I don't know why. I have kept it under control and I have done an amazing job of not chewing SO's head off for putting too many tomatoes in my salad, or messing with my box of project stuff (all really minor infractions that normally I would barely notice, but today set the rage bubbling). I hate the feel of the rage bubble, sometimes I feel like if I just let it out I will feel better, but I have learned this is not the case. In fact I let it out and inevitably the person who the bubble of fury hits, will say something in their defense, which only leads to a bigger raging bubble of fiery fury taking the place of the bubble that was released.

What I need is a way to make a slow leak in the bubble like when you pinch a balloon and poke a hole so the air releases slowly instead of popping. Sometimes getting out of the house and away from people helps but other times like today the thought of leaving the house expands the bubble just a little more. It would be easier to deal with if I knew what put the raging  bubble of fury inside me in the first place, but I had a wonderful morning and SO has been more than accommodating to my grumpiness. YS sent a text asking what I was up to; which I ignored because dealing with YS is the quickest way to increase the bubbles and the fury. I have to say that the bubble has become less raging since the beginning of the post, maybe writing is the answer. It's still there but it's smaller and tamer, although I still feel off, like anything can trigger the raging bubble of fury to expand and explode, but the pressure from the bubble is receding. Maybe I'll just take my book and hide myself away somewhere until the slow leak can eliminate the bubble.

Does anyone else ever have days of inexplicable inscrutableness and anger? What do you do to calm your inner fury?

Until next time,
Me

Time

Dear Diary,

Why is it that the more time I have the less I seem to get accomplished? Today I didn't really have anything I needed to do besides a load of laundry, so I was going to work on some projects I've been meaning to get to. I got the load of laundry done, but not till around 7pm even though I had all day. How many projects did I work on? None, yep that's right not a one.
YS came over to use the internet (please explain to me how someone lives in today's society without internet at home) so I wasn't on the computer all day. Still I managed to do nothing all day long, I have no idea where the day went. I did fight with YS and we had been doing so good with spending time together, I don't think we will ever really understand each other. YS has a way of asking questions with the answer already in the question and it annoys the crap out of me. For example "What do you use that exercise ball for?". Um is there another answer besides ...wait for it ... "exercise!" I know this is stupid I should just answer the question and let it go but is seems like if YS is not telling a boring story about a client at work, I'm being asked a ridiculous question with an obvious answer.
Even considering our little argument, that's not much of the day accounted for it only lasted 15 minutes at the most before YS left. So that's about 2 hours accounted for ... maybe I was abducted by aliens and they wiped my memory. *Shrug* I guess that just means I have projects for another day.

Until next time,
Me

My younger sibling

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘Y’. My relationship with my younger sibling (YS) is complicated. I love YS and would do almost anything for YS but we don’t really have much in common and annoy the crap out of each other. YS is a good person, kind, loyal, generous. YS is also lazy, messy, nosy, stubborn, and Extremely religious.

When we were kids, my older sibling and I would generally gang up on YS and exclude YS from our activities. YS does not hold this against me, this is surprising because YS is a grudge holder, my grandmother once yelled at YS for hiding a banana peel in a dresser drawer (reasonable? I think yes.) YS has never forgiven her and has not spoken to said grandmother since (full disclosure I do not like this grandmother and do not speak to her either, in fact I don’t even know if she is still alive).  

YS tries really hard to fit into societal expectations and norms, and somehow is slightly off. YS was never a good student and has a hard time knowing when it’s appropriate to say what, but if people get to know YS they realized that the lack of social skills is more than made up for with YS’s big heart. If someone befriends YS they will have someone who is there for them whenever they need someone. YS is a wonderful listener and doesn’t generally try to give unsolicited advice.

YS I love you, I wish that we were closer. I accept that we are different and will never have the sibling relationship of the movies. That being said I will strive to include you more in my life and be more tolerant when I find you annoying (well I’ll try).

Also this is kind of related, just because you were around your best friends siblings when you were kids does not mean you can say mean things about those siblings. It is okay for me to pick on my YS and to be mean to my YS but nobody else can. I don't care how long we have been friends and how long you have known my YS, I will always defend my YS. Just because you don't have your own siblings and you felt like your friends siblings were like your own, they weren't, you don't make fun of someone else's sibling. I know that BB doesn't read this but I thought I'd vent because it makes me mad when BB picks on YS and makes fun of YS. YS is socially awkward, not stupid, YS knows when you are making fun, even if YS doesn't say anything.

Until next time,  

Me

Quiet

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘Q’. I like things quiet. Even from a young age, I liked the quiet. Libraries are a wonderful place where it is always quiet. When I was a kid, my younger sibling and older sibling would fight over music and turn their stereos louder and louder. When this happened I would take whatever book I was reading outside and sit in the peach tree in our back yard, when the weather was bad I would grab a flashlight and take refuge in my parent’s closet. My parent’s room was at the other end of the house and the walk-in closet had a door that I would close, then I would crawl over shoes and boxes into the nook in the corner and read in the beautiful silence. When my parents divorced YS responded vocally and loudly and I spent almost every night after homework in the closet reading and escaping the noise.

I still like quiet. I’m lucky to have respectful neighbors that we hardly ever hear. It works out nicely that SO is also content in quiet. Unless we are watching a movie the only sound you hear in our room is the clicking of keys or the turning of pages. The only issue with this is we want to foster kids and kids are not quiet. I often wonder how parents don’t loose their minds or at least have ear plugs surgically implanted. I know that fostering kids will be so rewarding and that SO and I will make wonderful foster parents, I’m just not sure how I will adapt to noise. Our friends have kids and we are fine around them, even though they are not quiet, but not everyday. I’m probably one of a handful of people who think about thinks like this when thinking of parenthood. For now I’ll just enjoy the quiet and daydream about the noisy and hectic times I hope our in our future.

Until next time,

Me

Would a nose on any other person be as sensitive?

Dear Diary,

Well we are now past the half way point today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘N’. Nose is the topic for today; this was SO’s initial answer when I asked “what is a word that starts with ‘N’?” Of course I didn’t tell SO why I was asking and at first though well that’s not helpful what can I write about a nose. Then I thought I could write about what I find attractive in noses, but that’s not really interesting, nobody cares that it’s one of the features that I’m most drawn to. Or that mine is on the small to average size and covered with freckles.

However I have a very sensitive nose, my sense of smell seems to be more enhanced than other people. That is a topic I can write about … not that anyone is going to find it more interesting to read about. My sensitive nose can get me into trouble, most often this is with YS who (how can I put this tactfully) is not the neatest person. Whenever I go to YS’s house I have to remind myself that it’s not polite to plug my nose, to breath through my mouth and not take deep breaths. There is something about the way YS’s house smells that makes me nauseous. SO can smell it and says it’s unpleasant but not as bad as I seem to think, and YS’s friends don’t seem to notice at all. Also people who have pets that potty in the house cats, hamsters, mice; to me their houses all smell like there are animals that potty in the house. I can’t have a big trash can in the kitchen, we use the plastic bags from grocery stores and take it out every night; other wise I can smell the garbage, especially if there are potato peelings in it.

This sensitive nose of mine is really annoying, I hate walking though the perfume section of department stores, I hate the whole perfume floor. Also there are stores that spray perfume into their stores; Abercrombie is one of the worst. Candle and lotion shops all the scents mingling together is not a pleasant odor either. I have to say I am lucky that smells don’t bring on migraines like they did for my mom, they are generally just unpleasant. I had a friend who was born without the sense of smell, I don’t know that I would want to loose my sense of smell but I always thought it would be nice if I could give this friend some of my extra and we could balance each other out. Now you know more about my nose than you ever wanted to, aren’t you glad you decided to stop by?

Until next time,

Me

Failure

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘F”. Since I’ve already got a post about flatulence of death, I guess for this challenge ‘F’ will be for failure. Oh did you forget that I’m a bit of a negative person? Well here is your reminder. There are many times when I look at my life and feel like I’m a failure. I’ve failed to obtain my goal education wise. I failed to be there when my mother was sick and dying. I failed to help my older sibling move forward after my mother passed away. I failed to help YS care for my mother when she was at her worst. I have failed to let the past go and start fresh in my relationship with my father. I have failed to find a job in over a year. I have failed in so many things; the failure that hurts the most is when I failed to keep our baby alive. I have failed as a person.

Logically I know that there were many medical problems that prevented our child from surviving but in my heart I feel like I failed, I should have been able to do something. This was not where I intended this diary entry to go. I didn’t think I was ready to talk about this, maybe when I wrote scars it helped me more than I realized. I don’t know but I guess since it came out I’m ready to share a little bit more of the pain I’ve experienced. I guess since it came out in a post about failure you have realized that there are things beyond my control that I internalize as personal failures. The loss of my baby is on the top of that list. Our baby was stillborn and there was nothing I could do, there were numerous serious medical complications with our baby. I think that’s enough for now this was years ago and the pain is still there but we have survived the pain and I guess somehow by surviving I’m not a complete failure. There are things I can’t change, but nothing I can’t learn from. Our baby taught me so much more that I would have thought possible in that short time, I hope that I never fail to remember those lessons.

Until next time,

Me

P.S. Next time wont be so disheartening, I hope.