My Magnificent Mom

 

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘M’. My mom is what comes to mind when I think of ‘M’. I miss my mom so much; she passed away when I was twenty. I feel luck to have had her in my life for the short time I did because she was an amazing mom. I also feel like I got gypped because I lost her so soon. I have moments when someone will complain about their mother butting into their life and I wish I had their problems. Other times I’ll hear someone comment on how they have never been close with their mother and I’ll feel sorry for them. Before my mom passed away we were really close and I have a hard time understanding what it’s like to not be close to your mother. My parents divorced when I was in grade school and my mom raised three kids on her own and did a darn good job with the few resources she had.

There is so much I could say about my mom, she was smart and had many witty moments. She loved jokes that were on the corny side and would almost always laugh at puns (as long as they were clean, I never heard her laugh at a dirty joke or pun). She was one of the most patient people I’ve ever met; although being the mother of YS I guess that was kind of a requirement. She made you want to do your best and be your best without threats or intimidation. My friends in high school never really understood why I never went through the rebellious stage that they did until they got to know my mom; somehow you didn’t want her to be disappointed in you. When I made poor choices and it was quite often, my mom never really punished me like my friends got punished. My mom would just look at me (with a look that said she had expected better or me and was disappointed) but would only tell me “I trust you to learn from this, and will make a better choice next time.” How can you rebel against that?

My mom taught me so many things, of course the generic things like cooking, baking, cleaning, finances but she taught me more than that she taught me to be a good person. Not that I’m trying to imply I’m always a good person, anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not. I am a caring, understanding and loving person. I occasionally judge people unfairly but I don’t hold a grudge and I’m forgiving (of others I’m still working on being forgiving of myself). My mom always explained how situations might seem from other perspectives (which I try to remember) this helped me to be less judgmental and more understanding of people who I feel have wronged me in some way.

I miss my mom so much, there are so many things in my life that I have needed her for and wanted to share with her. Times when having her to guide me would have made my struggles more bearable. My mom didn’t have an easy life and I’ve always had an added respect for her because she lived her life with such strength and poise despite the hardships. I remember that strength to help me get through my struggles, I remind myself that the strength is somewhere inside me, because my mother put it there. I love you mom and miss you like you wouldn’t believe.

Until next time,

Me

Camping

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘C’ is that opening getting old? Good thing there are only 26 letters in the alphabet. My topic or word for the letter C is camping because it is one of my favorite activities. The only negative thing about camping is the actual sleeping part, the hard ground and cold nights. I love hiking or rafting during the day, building a campfire, cooking over a camp fire, the dark sky full of twinkling stars that somehow seem brighter when camping. I love waking up to birds chirping and chipmunks chattering. I love reading until the rest of the world wakes up. I love walking to the bathrooms with flashlights and talking late into the night. Family camping trips are some of my earliest memories from childhood, and some of my happiest memories from high school, and some of my fondest memories of outings with SO. I hope that camping will always be one of my favorite activities.

Until next time,

Me

Childhood dreams

Dear Diary,

Today's post is a writing prompt from studio thirty plus, the prompt was "childhood dreams" here are where my thoughts lead me with this prompt.

When I was a child I had the same common dreams that most children have, to grow up to become a veterinarian, a firefighter, an film star or an astronaut. As you probably guessed I am none of these and no longer have the desire to move into any of these career fields. As I got older my career ambitions changed with my interests; with all of my childhood dreams eventually getting lost along the way as life became more about reality rather than fantasy.

As I got older my dreams were less about what I would be doing and more about what my life would be like. I dreamed of growing up and owning a home (which I would layout and build on graph paper). I dreamed of getting married (nothing specific just a lavish wedding to an ambiguous person). I dreamed of having children (no specific number just the right amount to complete our family). I dreamed of having a dog (again not a particular breed, just a loving pet). The problem as time goes by life has a way of progressing whether your life matches your expectations or not. As life goes on I realize these are things society told me I should dream of, these are things that every child is supposed to dream of. What about what I really want in my heart? Why was I never encouraged to explore what was in my heart and let it blossom, why was I given other peoples dreams and told to take them as my own?

As a child you are given things to dream of.
Everyone should want to be a hero or celebrity. What about people who don’t like being the center of attention?
Everyone should want to get married. What about people who fall in love with someone of the same gender?
Everyone should want to have children of their own. What about people who are infertile?
Everyone should want to own a home. What about people who want to move often or don’t want to worry about home repairs?
Everyone should want to have a pet. What are the people who are allergic to animals supposed to do?

Is this really fair to give every child the same expectations for different lives and experiences?  The child me would be very disappointed with the results of my current life, and for quite a while so was the grown-up me. I did not become a celebrity of any kind; I am a faceless office worker who pushes paper, I like that I can act crazy and it doesn’t matter because nobody knows who I am. I am not married; I am in a committed relationship and feel lucky to love SO and know the SO loves me. I do not have children, SO and I love children, we tried to have children and found that a biological child was not the path for us (that is a post for another time). I do not own a home; I rent and right now I relish the fact that if something breaks it is not my problem. I do not have a pet, and I love that I don’t have to clean up after one or find someone to care for it if we want to go out of town.

Does that mean that I never want any of these things? No dreams are fluid they change with life and experience. Eventually I would like to own a home when I’m ready to pick one place and stay there for a while. SO and I would love to foster children and maybe eventually adopt, but life has more to teach us before we feel we are ready to take that step. Will SO and I ever get married, maybe, but right now we have a good, healthy relationship that married couples everywhere should envy (to be honest I’m afraid marriage might ruin the perfection of what we have now).  As for a pet, I love animals, but I do not feel that people should have ownership of other animals.

The point of this is children will always dream of what society tells them they should want. Society needs to change what we tell children. Children should dream of being happy. Children should dream of feeling unconditional love from their future partner. Children should dream of their love being accepted and appreciated for what it is. Children should dream of a career where they feel excited to go to work. Children should dream of all the other wonderful things that are in their hearts. If a child has a love of space, then let them dream of being an astronaut, but don’t tell them that all children should want to be astronauts. If a child loves to dance, then let them dream of being a ballerina, but don’t tell them that all children should want to be ballerinas. Some kids are afraid of the dark, and some kids are not graceful. Some children dream of a faceless job where they excel. Some children dream of someone to love them so much they will not worry about marriage. Some children dream of being an average person that blends into the majority. Some children don’t know what they dream, but when they find their dream they just know.

Looking back, I was a combination of those last few. Society would not accept my dream so I dreamed the dreams I was told I should dream, but I followed the dream that was in my heart. I can’t say that my life is perfect or that I don’t dream that things will change, but I can say my life is pretty good. To others my life might look more like a nightmare than a dream, sometimes it looks that way to me too. I just know that when I really think about the things I was told to dream, I know they couldn’t have made me any happier than I am now, and in some cases those dreams caused me a lot of pain.

Well that was rather long, and personal. I don't know if this is where I thought I would go with this when I started writting it, but hopfuly by exploring these thoughts I have learned something about myself and the expectations put on my by society verses the expectations I put on myself. Always something more to ponder...

Until next time,

Me