Still there is sadness

Dear Diary,

Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.

I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.

Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.

Until next time,
Me

Failure

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry will be brought to you by the letter ‘F”. Since I’ve already got a post about flatulence of death, I guess for this challenge ‘F’ will be for failure. Oh did you forget that I’m a bit of a negative person? Well here is your reminder. There are many times when I look at my life and feel like I’m a failure. I’ve failed to obtain my goal education wise. I failed to be there when my mother was sick and dying. I failed to help my older sibling move forward after my mother passed away. I failed to help YS care for my mother when she was at her worst. I have failed to let the past go and start fresh in my relationship with my father. I have failed to find a job in over a year. I have failed in so many things; the failure that hurts the most is when I failed to keep our baby alive. I have failed as a person.

Logically I know that there were many medical problems that prevented our child from surviving but in my heart I feel like I failed, I should have been able to do something. This was not where I intended this diary entry to go. I didn’t think I was ready to talk about this, maybe when I wrote scars it helped me more than I realized. I don’t know but I guess since it came out I’m ready to share a little bit more of the pain I’ve experienced. I guess since it came out in a post about failure you have realized that there are things beyond my control that I internalize as personal failures. The loss of my baby is on the top of that list. Our baby was stillborn and there was nothing I could do, there were numerous serious medical complications with our baby. I think that’s enough for now this was years ago and the pain is still there but we have survived the pain and I guess somehow by surviving I’m not a complete failure. There are things I can’t change, but nothing I can’t learn from. Our baby taught me so much more that I would have thought possible in that short time, I hope that I never fail to remember those lessons.

Until next time,

Me

P.S. Next time wont be so disheartening, I hope.