Dear diary,
As my scholastic adventure approaches I find myself apprehensive. I know that in the past I have done well but it's supposed to get harder. I kind of like being the smartest person in an average class. In high school I tested out of the main stream classes, and ended up in a few advanced placement classes. I hated those classes because when I was in classes with the really smart kids I was just in the middle of the pack. I have this weird thing where if I'm not doing better than others I feel like I'm failing.
Side note this is probably why I am so over weight, it takes me 12 -15 minutes to run a mile, other people can do it in a third of that, so I just walk and pretend I was never really trying. The thing is when I try and fail I have a hard time letting it go. Also when I slack off I have a hard time getting back on track.
I guess the good thing about going back to school is the accountability. I realized that if I don't get an A it really only affects me but there are deadlines and standards that someone is holding me to. I thrive in these conditions, if I am the only one checking in on my progress nothing gets done. If someone else is looking over my shoulder I am trying to impress them or more accurately not give them a reason to judge me.
Back to my apprehension, I haven't attended classes in quite a while, so I'm afraid I will be a little rusty. My free flowing thoughts on this blog with no actual structure or formatting hasn't helped prepare me for writing essays. I guess at least I've been writing something.
I am afraid of so many aspects of returning to college, but I'm really excited, I feel like this will be a good thing for me. Who knows maybe I'll learn to be accountable to myself in addition to logarithms and the difference between cumulonimbus and stratus clouds. That's what college is about right, learning about yourself and the world around you and how to balance the two.
Until next time,
Me
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Finally a Vacation
Dear Diary,
Lately I have been feeling a little blah. SO and I try to take a vacation every year and since we have been unemployed it feels like forever since we have been anywhere. Well last weekend we had an unexpected opportunity to get out of town. I'm not going to lie I wish we would have gone farther away and for longer but at this point I think we need to take what we can get. It wasn't an international adventure like I would have preferred, but it did break the monotony of things a bit.
Until next time,
Me
Lately I have been feeling a little blah. SO and I try to take a vacation every year and since we have been unemployed it feels like forever since we have been anywhere. Well last weekend we had an unexpected opportunity to get out of town. I'm not going to lie I wish we would have gone farther away and for longer but at this point I think we need to take what we can get. It wasn't an international adventure like I would have preferred, but it did break the monotony of things a bit.
Until next time,
Me
Thursday, August 18, 2011
What do you do when a good friendship goes bad?
Dear Diary,
I am having a hard time finding the easy that my relationship with BB used to have. Since we lived together and have since moved into separate places, every time we hang out it feels forced. I don't feel comfortable sharing my sucesses or struggles anymore. At the same time I have a hard time feeling genuinly happy or sympathetic for BB successes and struggles. I fear our friendship will never be what it was before, but maybe it only worked because we lived so far apart. I am finding that we have very little in common and even simple conversations require work and I find myself spacing out in the middle of our chats. I don't want to see our friendship end but I don't know how to fix it. Or if it can be fixed.
Until next time,
Me
I am having a hard time finding the easy that my relationship with BB used to have. Since we lived together and have since moved into separate places, every time we hang out it feels forced. I don't feel comfortable sharing my sucesses or struggles anymore. At the same time I have a hard time feeling genuinly happy or sympathetic for BB successes and struggles. I fear our friendship will never be what it was before, but maybe it only worked because we lived so far apart. I am finding that we have very little in common and even simple conversations require work and I find myself spacing out in the middle of our chats. I don't want to see our friendship end but I don't know how to fix it. Or if it can be fixed.
Until next time,
Me
Monday, August 8, 2011
I'm going back to school!
Dear Diary,
I know that I am always complaining that I don't feel that I have accomplished as much as I would have liked by this time in my life. One of the things that seems to get to me more than other things is that I never finished my bachelors degree. I have an associates and most of my lower level general eds that can transfer to a university (the associates degree is from a college with a different accreditation system than universities) but one thing or another has always stopped me from actually transferring those credits to a university and getting my bachelors.
Well with all the extra time I have on my hands lately I managed to apply to the local university and I was accepted. Okay I know that universities really accept everyone, but it still feels nice to hear someone say "you were accepted", makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Anyway I think this may help with some self esteem issues I have been having. BB has a bachelors and will sometimes make comments that make me feel like I am somehow less for not having one. Although BB has parents who paid for quite a bit of BB's education, where I have had to pay it all myself. I also feel like the jobs I used to get so easily before now are requiring bachelors degrees, guess when the economy sinks employers can require receptionists and mail room clerks to have bachelors degrees. Plus with SO having a PhD I've been feeling a little left behind in the academic area, it's only fair that I get a chance to get out there and learn all sorts of new things while SO works for awhile.
Anyway I'm excited to finish this chapter of my life that was started so many years ago and put on hold while other chapters were written.
I know that I am always complaining that I don't feel that I have accomplished as much as I would have liked by this time in my life. One of the things that seems to get to me more than other things is that I never finished my bachelors degree. I have an associates and most of my lower level general eds that can transfer to a university (the associates degree is from a college with a different accreditation system than universities) but one thing or another has always stopped me from actually transferring those credits to a university and getting my bachelors.
Well with all the extra time I have on my hands lately I managed to apply to the local university and I was accepted. Okay I know that universities really accept everyone, but it still feels nice to hear someone say "you were accepted", makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Anyway I think this may help with some self esteem issues I have been having. BB has a bachelors and will sometimes make comments that make me feel like I am somehow less for not having one. Although BB has parents who paid for quite a bit of BB's education, where I have had to pay it all myself. I also feel like the jobs I used to get so easily before now are requiring bachelors degrees, guess when the economy sinks employers can require receptionists and mail room clerks to have bachelors degrees. Plus with SO having a PhD I've been feeling a little left behind in the academic area, it's only fair that I get a chance to get out there and learn all sorts of new things while SO works for awhile.
Anyway I'm excited to finish this chapter of my life that was started so many years ago and put on hold while other chapters were written.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Priorities
Dear Diary,
Why is it that I have such a hard time making priorities, my priority? I know what I need to be doing with my time, yet I find that I waste my time on nothing. The whole weekend I barely left my house, not because I was on-line looking for jobs, not because I was re-reading Atlas Shrugged for the scholarship essay I need, not because I was writing blogs or reading blogs. I was watching old movies on YouTube, (did you know you can watch whole movies there?) movies that I've already seen.
I have no control, well obviously I must have some control, I just don't exercise my control muscles enough; in fact they may have atrophied. I don't know whether to be relieved or disappointed that my lack of control is found in more places than just my diet. Actually I think I'm leaning toward disgusted. How does one develop self control? How do I make myself do what is good for me or productive instead of what is easy or more appealing? I know that I have a lot of free time with the job situation the way it is, but SO has just as much time and spends it learning new things and being generally productive. I want to be more disciplined but seem to lack the motivation. If anyone has any ideas I'm willing to listen.
Until next time,
Me
Why is it that I have such a hard time making priorities, my priority? I know what I need to be doing with my time, yet I find that I waste my time on nothing. The whole weekend I barely left my house, not because I was on-line looking for jobs, not because I was re-reading Atlas Shrugged for the scholarship essay I need, not because I was writing blogs or reading blogs. I was watching old movies on YouTube, (did you know you can watch whole movies there?) movies that I've already seen.
I have no control, well obviously I must have some control, I just don't exercise my control muscles enough; in fact they may have atrophied. I don't know whether to be relieved or disappointed that my lack of control is found in more places than just my diet. Actually I think I'm leaning toward disgusted. How does one develop self control? How do I make myself do what is good for me or productive instead of what is easy or more appealing? I know that I have a lot of free time with the job situation the way it is, but SO has just as much time and spends it learning new things and being generally productive. I want to be more disciplined but seem to lack the motivation. If anyone has any ideas I'm willing to listen.
Until next time,
Me
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Balloons
Dear Diary,
It's time for more pictures. Mostly because it's that or write another negative, complaining post and I am trying to be more positive and up-lifting. What is more up-lifting than balloons?
It's time for more pictures. Mostly because it's that or write another negative, complaining post and I am trying to be more positive and up-lifting. What is more up-lifting than balloons?
So there it is something to brighten the day of all who visit this diary.
Until next time,
Me
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Pet peeves
Dear Diary,
Yep I'm complaining again. Today's complaint is my new pet peeve; not responding to correspondence. I get that sometimes you want to think about something before you reply. I understand, but just say that. How hard would it be to say "I'd like to give this a little thought I'll get back to you shortly"? Maybe it's because I'm unemployed that people do not feel my time is valuable (factoring in the amount of time I spend watching T.V. shows and movies they may have a point) but I've found that I'm not getting responses.
I was planning on hitting up a couple stores that I knew APF would enjoy so I sent a text saying I was going and asked if APF would like to tag along. NOTHING, that's right no response at all. I waited hours to see if APF would reply but that was days ago and still nothing. I told some other friends that there was an event taking place near their house that SO and I would be interested in if they were free (I also told them there was no pressure because there was an event by us that we would also enjoy if they were not free). NOTHING, like I never even sent the message. Not to mention the hundreds of job applications I have sent out without hearing anything, not even a quick "Your skills do not match what we are looking for".
These are the examples that are fresh in my mind but I know there are more. I just don't understand, my feelings are not going to be hurt, I get that just because I don't have a life and can do things last minute doesn't mean other people can, but don't leave me hanging. Tell me you don't have the time, that you are not interested in the activity, or you just don't want to do whatever it is. Tell me I'm not a candidate for the job so I can scratch it off my list. I will understand, but radio silence? That just sucks.
Until next time,
Me
Yep I'm complaining again. Today's complaint is my new pet peeve; not responding to correspondence. I get that sometimes you want to think about something before you reply. I understand, but just say that. How hard would it be to say "I'd like to give this a little thought I'll get back to you shortly"? Maybe it's because I'm unemployed that people do not feel my time is valuable (factoring in the amount of time I spend watching T.V. shows and movies they may have a point) but I've found that I'm not getting responses.
I was planning on hitting up a couple stores that I knew APF would enjoy so I sent a text saying I was going and asked if APF would like to tag along. NOTHING, that's right no response at all. I waited hours to see if APF would reply but that was days ago and still nothing. I told some other friends that there was an event taking place near their house that SO and I would be interested in if they were free (I also told them there was no pressure because there was an event by us that we would also enjoy if they were not free). NOTHING, like I never even sent the message. Not to mention the hundreds of job applications I have sent out without hearing anything, not even a quick "Your skills do not match what we are looking for".
These are the examples that are fresh in my mind but I know there are more. I just don't understand, my feelings are not going to be hurt, I get that just because I don't have a life and can do things last minute doesn't mean other people can, but don't leave me hanging. Tell me you don't have the time, that you are not interested in the activity, or you just don't want to do whatever it is. Tell me I'm not a candidate for the job so I can scratch it off my list. I will understand, but radio silence? That just sucks.
Until next time,
Me
Friday, June 17, 2011
Still there is sadness
Dear Diary,
Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.
I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.
Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.
Until next time,
Me
Today is not just a day. Today is an anniversary, but not the happy kind. It could have been the happy kind if things were different; but they weren't. Maybe in an alternate reality we are celebrating; but not in this reality. I feel like there are more days in the calendar that make me sad than days that bring me joy. I wonder if that is why the elderly have memory problems, because it is easier to forget birthdays and anniversaries that bring the sad reminder of loss. I used to think that getting old would suck because of the physical aliments that come with age, now I think it's because as you age the loss in your life grows as your friends and family pass away. I can't imagine how people live to be octogenarians, nonagenarians and centenarians. I can't imagine the loss they have seen in their lives. I know there are people who want to live to be very old, my goal is for all my remaining loved ones to out live me. I do not want to experience another death.
I know that I have an unhealthy fear of attachment and commitment, because of the loss I have experienced in my life. I think I have a valid fear since I'm only 30 and have no living grandparents, have lost my mother, my older sibling, and my baby. I know their are people out there who have it worse. I know that there are people out there who have no family, but I bet those people fear that if they get too close to someone that person will die too. I am pretty sure that is why my SO is still my SO and not my spouse. I am pretty sure that is why I don't make new friends that I'm close to. I already said I know it's unhealthy. I also realize that it's illogical, but I don't think fear is supposed to be logical. I'm not normally superstitious but with my track record ... well I really worry about SO, YS and BB because they might be a little too close to me.
Back to the point, if things would have been different we might be having a birthday party this weekend, but they didn't so this weekend I will be watching mind numbing tv sitcoms that require no emotional involvement or thought.
Until next time,
Me
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Off days
Dear diary,
I hate when I have off days. When I feel irritated and grumpy for no apparent reason. Today is one of those days. I woke up in a normal state of mind (which for me is always a little tipped toward pessimistic, but not overly negative). SO made pancakes with fresh strawberries on top while I stayed in bed reading. I got up and had breakfast with SO and then we watched some TV shows on Netflix. Then we each spent time doing our own thing and had a salad for lunch. So far it sounds like a pleasant lazy Sunday right? Kind of, it has been but there is also this raging bubble of fury in-side me today and I don't know why. I have kept it under control and I have done an amazing job of not chewing SO's head off for putting too many tomatoes in my salad, or messing with my box of project stuff (all really minor infractions that normally I would barely notice, but today set the rage bubbling). I hate the feel of the rage bubble, sometimes I feel like if I just let it out I will feel better, but I have learned this is not the case. In fact I let it out and inevitably the person who the bubble of fury hits, will say something in their defense, which only leads to a bigger raging bubble of fiery fury taking the place of the bubble that was released.
What I need is a way to make a slow leak in the bubble like when you pinch a balloon and poke a hole so the air releases slowly instead of popping. Sometimes getting out of the house and away from people helps but other times like today the thought of leaving the house expands the bubble just a little more. It would be easier to deal with if I knew what put the raging bubble of fury inside me in the first place, but I had a wonderful morning and SO has been more than accommodating to my grumpiness. YS sent a text asking what I was up to; which I ignored because dealing with YS is the quickest way to increase the bubbles and the fury. I have to say that the bubble has become less raging since the beginning of the post, maybe writing is the answer. It's still there but it's smaller and tamer, although I still feel off, like anything can trigger the raging bubble of fury to expand and explode, but the pressure from the bubble is receding. Maybe I'll just take my book and hide myself away somewhere until the slow leak can eliminate the bubble.
Does anyone else ever have days of inexplicable inscrutableness and anger? What do you do to calm your inner fury?
Until next time,
Me
I hate when I have off days. When I feel irritated and grumpy for no apparent reason. Today is one of those days. I woke up in a normal state of mind (which for me is always a little tipped toward pessimistic, but not overly negative). SO made pancakes with fresh strawberries on top while I stayed in bed reading. I got up and had breakfast with SO and then we watched some TV shows on Netflix. Then we each spent time doing our own thing and had a salad for lunch. So far it sounds like a pleasant lazy Sunday right? Kind of, it has been but there is also this raging bubble of fury in-side me today and I don't know why. I have kept it under control and I have done an amazing job of not chewing SO's head off for putting too many tomatoes in my salad, or messing with my box of project stuff (all really minor infractions that normally I would barely notice, but today set the rage bubbling). I hate the feel of the rage bubble, sometimes I feel like if I just let it out I will feel better, but I have learned this is not the case. In fact I let it out and inevitably the person who the bubble of fury hits, will say something in their defense, which only leads to a bigger raging bubble of fiery fury taking the place of the bubble that was released.
What I need is a way to make a slow leak in the bubble like when you pinch a balloon and poke a hole so the air releases slowly instead of popping. Sometimes getting out of the house and away from people helps but other times like today the thought of leaving the house expands the bubble just a little more. It would be easier to deal with if I knew what put the raging bubble of fury inside me in the first place, but I had a wonderful morning and SO has been more than accommodating to my grumpiness. YS sent a text asking what I was up to; which I ignored because dealing with YS is the quickest way to increase the bubbles and the fury. I have to say that the bubble has become less raging since the beginning of the post, maybe writing is the answer. It's still there but it's smaller and tamer, although I still feel off, like anything can trigger the raging bubble of fury to expand and explode, but the pressure from the bubble is receding. Maybe I'll just take my book and hide myself away somewhere until the slow leak can eliminate the bubble.
Does anyone else ever have days of inexplicable inscrutableness and anger? What do you do to calm your inner fury?
Until next time,
Me
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Solo hike
Dear Diary,
A while ago I wanted to go for a hike, and couldn't find anyone who wanted to join me; so I went by myself. To be honest, I don't like to spend a lot of time by myself without some sort of distraction that keeps me from thinking, because my thoughts have a tendency to turn quite dark. I wanted to get out and if I let lack of companionship stop me I'd end up hiking half as much as I do and I already don't go as often as I should. Of course this solo hike did give me time to think which means I spent more time than is healthy focused on all the things I feel are wrong with my life. Then I made a friend:
Okay so she probably doesn't count as a friend but she let me get pretty close to take her picture which was very cool.
Until next time,
Me
A while ago I wanted to go for a hike, and couldn't find anyone who wanted to join me; so I went by myself. To be honest, I don't like to spend a lot of time by myself without some sort of distraction that keeps me from thinking, because my thoughts have a tendency to turn quite dark. I wanted to get out and if I let lack of companionship stop me I'd end up hiking half as much as I do and I already don't go as often as I should. Of course this solo hike did give me time to think which means I spent more time than is healthy focused on all the things I feel are wrong with my life. Then I made a friend:
Okay so she probably doesn't count as a friend but she let me get pretty close to take her picture which was very cool.
Until next time,
Me
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Time
Dear Diary,
Why is it that the more time I have the less I seem to get accomplished? Today I didn't really have anything I needed to do besides a load of laundry, so I was going to work on some projects I've been meaning to get to. I got the load of laundry done, but not till around 7pm even though I had all day. How many projects did I work on? None, yep that's right not a one.
YS came over to use the internet (please explain to me how someone lives in today's society without internet at home) so I wasn't on the computer all day. Still I managed to do nothing all day long, I have no idea where the day went. I did fight with YS and we had been doing so good with spending time together, I don't think we will ever really understand each other. YS has a way of asking questions with the answer already in the question and it annoys the crap out of me. For example "What do you use that exercise ball for?". Um is there another answer besides ...wait for it ... "exercise!" I know this is stupid I should just answer the question and let it go but is seems like if YS is not telling a boring story about a client at work, I'm being asked a ridiculous question with an obvious answer.
Even considering our little argument, that's not much of the day accounted for it only lasted 15 minutes at the most before YS left. So that's about 2 hours accounted for ... maybe I was abducted by aliens and they wiped my memory. *Shrug* I guess that just means I have projects for another day.
Until next time,
Me
Why is it that the more time I have the less I seem to get accomplished? Today I didn't really have anything I needed to do besides a load of laundry, so I was going to work on some projects I've been meaning to get to. I got the load of laundry done, but not till around 7pm even though I had all day. How many projects did I work on? None, yep that's right not a one.
YS came over to use the internet (please explain to me how someone lives in today's society without internet at home) so I wasn't on the computer all day. Still I managed to do nothing all day long, I have no idea where the day went. I did fight with YS and we had been doing so good with spending time together, I don't think we will ever really understand each other. YS has a way of asking questions with the answer already in the question and it annoys the crap out of me. For example "What do you use that exercise ball for?". Um is there another answer besides ...wait for it ... "exercise!" I know this is stupid I should just answer the question and let it go but is seems like if YS is not telling a boring story about a client at work, I'm being asked a ridiculous question with an obvious answer.
Even considering our little argument, that's not much of the day accounted for it only lasted 15 minutes at the most before YS left. So that's about 2 hours accounted for ... maybe I was abducted by aliens and they wiped my memory. *Shrug* I guess that just means I have projects for another day.
Until next time,
Me
Monday, May 23, 2011
mostly good but a little bad
Dear Diary,
I find that I don't have any complaints right now, at least no complaints I haven't already told you about. That's awesome right! So now you are wondering ... what's the bad part? The bad part is I don't really have anything to say. Does this mean that my new awesome on-line public diary is really just a big complaint file box? In an effort to make that statement untrue I'm going to tell you about our garden. We have four plants in containers! What, it counts as a garden! So excited for fresh veggies and herbs.
Until next time,
Me
I find that I don't have any complaints right now, at least no complaints I haven't already told you about. That's awesome right! So now you are wondering ... what's the bad part? The bad part is I don't really have anything to say. Does this mean that my new awesome on-line public diary is really just a big complaint file box? In an effort to make that statement untrue I'm going to tell you about our garden. We have four plants in containers! What, it counts as a garden! So excited for fresh veggies and herbs.
Until next time,
Me
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Blogger what is the deal?
Dear Diary,
So I was all fired up to post the other day and blogger was "unavailable" I'm sure whatever I was going to talk about was going to be awesome, but I have forgotten whatever it was. So instead I will make this short and say getting super glue on your fingers sucks, and the nail polish I used to remove it stinks, how do people use that stuff on a regular basis? That is all.
Until next time,
Me
So I was all fired up to post the other day and blogger was "unavailable" I'm sure whatever I was going to talk about was going to be awesome, but I have forgotten whatever it was. So instead I will make this short and say getting super glue on your fingers sucks, and the nail polish I used to remove it stinks, how do people use that stuff on a regular basis? That is all.
Until next time,
Me
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's day
Dear Diary,
Guess what it's Mother's day again. I know it's supposed to be a wonderful day but I think it sucks! I miss my mom so much, there are a lot of times through out the year that I think of my mom and miss her. Mother's day I am reminded of my loss again and again all day long. Everyone on Facebook talks about how they are spending the day with their mom and I'm reminded that my mom has been gone for over 10 years. A lot has happened in those 10 years that I have needed my mom for. So many things in life I always just assumed my mom would be a part of, so much advice I've never gotten. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I don't need my mom, heck I lost her just as I was beginning to appreciate the wisdom of her advice and the wealth of knowledge she had to offer. Sure my mom and I were always close even when I was a teenager, but what teenager really appreciates the advice of parents? I am glad that I never pushed her away that I spent quite a bit of time with her when I had the chance. I am grateful for the time I did have with her, I just wish this stupid holiday would cease to exist so I didn't have to spend a whole day thinking about how different things would be if she were still with me. Add to that the loss of our baby and it makes this day that much more emotionally charged and harder to deal with.
I know there are a lot of people that have lost their mothers and find this day difficult. I know there are a lot of women who have lost babies or never conceived who suffer through this holiday watching others who live their dream celebrate. I know there are a lot of people who love their mothers, but do we really need a holiday for people to show their mothers that they are loved? Do we really need a holiday to remind people to do something nice for their mothers? Does every cashier need to ask me if I've remembered a mother's day present and point to the gift baskets they are supposed to push? Is it petty of me to want to make them feel bad? I really want to say " My mother is dead, Thanks for reminding me" but I don't I politely say no thank you and cry inside because the gift basket had a gardenia scented candle which was my moms favorite.
Until next time,
Me
Guess what it's Mother's day again. I know it's supposed to be a wonderful day but I think it sucks! I miss my mom so much, there are a lot of times through out the year that I think of my mom and miss her. Mother's day I am reminded of my loss again and again all day long. Everyone on Facebook talks about how they are spending the day with their mom and I'm reminded that my mom has been gone for over 10 years. A lot has happened in those 10 years that I have needed my mom for. So many things in life I always just assumed my mom would be a part of, so much advice I've never gotten. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I don't need my mom, heck I lost her just as I was beginning to appreciate the wisdom of her advice and the wealth of knowledge she had to offer. Sure my mom and I were always close even when I was a teenager, but what teenager really appreciates the advice of parents? I am glad that I never pushed her away that I spent quite a bit of time with her when I had the chance. I am grateful for the time I did have with her, I just wish this stupid holiday would cease to exist so I didn't have to spend a whole day thinking about how different things would be if she were still with me. Add to that the loss of our baby and it makes this day that much more emotionally charged and harder to deal with.
I know there are a lot of people that have lost their mothers and find this day difficult. I know there are a lot of women who have lost babies or never conceived who suffer through this holiday watching others who live their dream celebrate. I know there are a lot of people who love their mothers, but do we really need a holiday for people to show their mothers that they are loved? Do we really need a holiday to remind people to do something nice for their mothers? Does every cashier need to ask me if I've remembered a mother's day present and point to the gift baskets they are supposed to push? Is it petty of me to want to make them feel bad? I really want to say " My mother is dead, Thanks for reminding me" but I don't I politely say no thank you and cry inside because the gift basket had a gardenia scented candle which was my moms favorite.
Until next time,
Me
Fleas
Dear Diary,
So we moved to a new place, mostly because SO and I hated living with BB's pets. Now we are in a pet free environment, we no longer smell pet potty or have pet messes, but we have fleas! Aparently the people who lived here before had a pet (I'm guessing a cat, I really don't understand why people have cats!) and that pet had fleas. What I don't understand is the carpets were cleaned before we moved in, and the fleas survived this? Most of the things we have read about getting rid of them say that soap and hot water are enough to kill them, but when they clean carpets don't they use soap and hot water?
We found some natural remedies that we are going to try, hopefully they work, because SO is getting bitten a lot. Knock on wood I have not been bitten yet, and I would like to get rid of the fleas before I do. I find it ironic that we move away from pets and find ourselves dealing with a pet problem. I guess it's always something *shrug* off to buy some baking soda and salt for the carpets, we've got a lot of cleaning to do. Worst part washing the bedding and rugs again, we just did that before we moved them over.
Until next time,
Me
So we moved to a new place, mostly because SO and I hated living with BB's pets. Now we are in a pet free environment, we no longer smell pet potty or have pet messes, but we have fleas! Aparently the people who lived here before had a pet (I'm guessing a cat, I really don't understand why people have cats!) and that pet had fleas. What I don't understand is the carpets were cleaned before we moved in, and the fleas survived this? Most of the things we have read about getting rid of them say that soap and hot water are enough to kill them, but when they clean carpets don't they use soap and hot water?
We found some natural remedies that we are going to try, hopefully they work, because SO is getting bitten a lot. Knock on wood I have not been bitten yet, and I would like to get rid of the fleas before I do. I find it ironic that we move away from pets and find ourselves dealing with a pet problem. I guess it's always something *shrug* off to buy some baking soda and salt for the carpets, we've got a lot of cleaning to do. Worst part washing the bedding and rugs again, we just did that before we moved them over.
Until next time,
Me
Friday, May 6, 2011
A-Z and everything in between
Dear Diary,
I was supposed to do an A-Z follow-up but like my last post stated, I have been without internet. I don't really know what I was expecting from the A-Z challenge, I guess maybe I was looking for something to help me stay motivated. I got so much more. I never really expected people to read my blog, I have not promoted it, I've not told anyone I write it. In fact I make it a point to be very anonymous and to never mention writing a blog around people I know. However getting feed back and support has been amazing. I never realized that someone saying "Hang in there things will change" in reply to a dairy entry could be so powerful. I had a couple followers be for the A-Z challenge and they are wonderful and supportive also, but when other people started following I was amazed at first then humbled that they would take the time to read my thoughts and feelings. Lately I have been feeling that I am not heard and this challenge has made me realize that people are listening, even when I'm venting or strolling down memory lane. Most of the time I don't have insightful things to write about and maybe part of the problem was that I didn't feel what I had to say was worthy of being heard. Fellow challenge participants heard and replied and I got to read their thoughts and feelings. I feel as though I have made friends through this challenge. I want to thank the organizers because this challenge has made a surprising and amazing difference in my blog.
Until next time,
Me
I was supposed to do an A-Z follow-up but like my last post stated, I have been without internet. I don't really know what I was expecting from the A-Z challenge, I guess maybe I was looking for something to help me stay motivated. I got so much more. I never really expected people to read my blog, I have not promoted it, I've not told anyone I write it. In fact I make it a point to be very anonymous and to never mention writing a blog around people I know. However getting feed back and support has been amazing. I never realized that someone saying "Hang in there things will change" in reply to a dairy entry could be so powerful. I had a couple followers be for the A-Z challenge and they are wonderful and supportive also, but when other people started following I was amazed at first then humbled that they would take the time to read my thoughts and feelings. Lately I have been feeling that I am not heard and this challenge has made me realize that people are listening, even when I'm venting or strolling down memory lane. Most of the time I don't have insightful things to write about and maybe part of the problem was that I didn't feel what I had to say was worthy of being heard. Fellow challenge participants heard and replied and I got to read their thoughts and feelings. I feel as though I have made friends through this challenge. I want to thank the organizers because this challenge has made a surprising and amazing difference in my blog.
Until next time,
Me
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Life without internet
Dear Diary,
So the A-Z challenge is over now I have to be the sole motivation to write, yikes. Well I have to write about not having internet for a week. We moved (Yippy) however moving sucks! I got to drive the rental truck which was pretty cool because it was a new experience, I didn't really care for it though. SO and I are mostly settled in there are a few more things we have to get since we have a bigger space now. It's amazing how much stuff we had tucked away in closets. I'm excited to resume my friendship with BB as friends and not roommates. Overall the move was a very positive thing, but I want Merlin from "The Sword and the Stone" to move my stuff next time because some of this stuff is heavy or awkward or both. (I love that the word awkward, looks awkward)
Although the internet company left a lot to be desired when scheduling our service "installation". First of all the people that were here before had cable internet, I know because we had to wait extra days for them to remove the fraud block that had been activated due to the other tenants. Second we were transferring service so our stuff is already set up to work. I'm not sure exactly what was installed, the guy gave us a new cable cord, but we had the other one and will probably put the other one on because it's longer. Also why did it take more than one day to remove a block, wouldn't you think it would just require someone to click a button? As for scheduling the installation tech to come out, there is only one company that offers cable internet for this location, you don't have to pretend to do anything you have a monopoly if we want cable internet you get to charge whatever fees you want, just charge them and enable the internet.
Okay I have to say I don't know what people did before internet. I read multiple books, we unpacked all of our stuff, we installed a cabinet in the bathroom (shhh don't tell the landlord) we did laundry, we went to the farmers market, we bought storage containers for all the dry goods in our kitchen and labeled them (we probably have the most organized cupboards ever), we went to the rebuilding center more than once looking for something we could turn into a kitchen island, we fought because we were bored and it gave us something to do, we walked to the grocery store. No wonder back in the old days people made everything by hand and from scratch, it kept them from going crazy from boredom. That being said, it was rather nice to be productive, it's nice to have all our stuff put away. However, I'm behind on my shows and I have so many blogs to read!
Until next time,
Me
So the A-Z challenge is over now I have to be the sole motivation to write, yikes. Well I have to write about not having internet for a week. We moved (Yippy) however moving sucks! I got to drive the rental truck which was pretty cool because it was a new experience, I didn't really care for it though. SO and I are mostly settled in there are a few more things we have to get since we have a bigger space now. It's amazing how much stuff we had tucked away in closets. I'm excited to resume my friendship with BB as friends and not roommates. Overall the move was a very positive thing, but I want Merlin from "The Sword and the Stone" to move my stuff next time because some of this stuff is heavy or awkward or both. (I love that the word awkward, looks awkward)
Although the internet company left a lot to be desired when scheduling our service "installation". First of all the people that were here before had cable internet, I know because we had to wait extra days for them to remove the fraud block that had been activated due to the other tenants. Second we were transferring service so our stuff is already set up to work. I'm not sure exactly what was installed, the guy gave us a new cable cord, but we had the other one and will probably put the other one on because it's longer. Also why did it take more than one day to remove a block, wouldn't you think it would just require someone to click a button? As for scheduling the installation tech to come out, there is only one company that offers cable internet for this location, you don't have to pretend to do anything you have a monopoly if we want cable internet you get to charge whatever fees you want, just charge them and enable the internet.
Okay I have to say I don't know what people did before internet. I read multiple books, we unpacked all of our stuff, we installed a cabinet in the bathroom (shhh don't tell the landlord) we did laundry, we went to the farmers market, we bought storage containers for all the dry goods in our kitchen and labeled them (we probably have the most organized cupboards ever), we went to the rebuilding center more than once looking for something we could turn into a kitchen island, we fought because we were bored and it gave us something to do, we walked to the grocery store. No wonder back in the old days people made everything by hand and from scratch, it kept them from going crazy from boredom. That being said, it was rather nice to be productive, it's nice to have all our stuff put away. However, I'm behind on my shows and I have so many blogs to read!
Until next time,
Me
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Zee end
Dear Diary,
Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘Z’ we have reached the end, I’m kind of proud of myself for completing the challenge and not missing any posts. Z had to be the last letter, I’ve got nothing. Foiled on the last letter, sure I can think of lots of words that start with ‘Z’: Zen, Zucchini, Zebra, Zoo, Zamboni, Zombie, Zesty, Zone, Zumba, Zodiac, Zipper, Zip-line (is Z starting to look like a weird letter to anyone else?). Lots of Z words but nothing I really want to write about. Sure when I was a kid I thought driving the Zamboni would be one of the coolest jobs ever, but story ends there. I could write about how I hate zucchini and all squashes in general, but who cares? I could talk about how Zumba looks fun, but I’m too self-conscious to try it, but that’s not terribly interesting. I could talk about how I hate going to zoos because I always end up feeling sad for the animals (okay that is really something I could talk about but I don’t feel like it.) I suppose I could have picked any one of those words and written something, but I didn’t have to because I saw my camera.
No sorry no pictures today, but I will tell you that I love my Zoom lens. I want one that has more zoom so I can see farther, heck I want a paparazzi grade zoom lens. No not for paparazzi purposes, but for hiking; sometimes I see things that are just too far for my zoom lens to get a good shot of. The lens I have is awesome though, I love it. I can get unsuspecting people, or animals that would run away if I didn’t have a zoom lens. Okay it’s not the most interesting post, but it’s better than talking about a broken zipper that I had to sew closed the other day.
Until next time,
Me
Friday, April 29, 2011
My younger sibling
Dear Diary,
Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘Y’. My relationship with my younger sibling (YS) is complicated. I love YS and would do almost anything for YS but we don’t really have much in common and annoy the crap out of each other. YS is a good person, kind, loyal, generous. YS is also lazy, messy, nosy, stubborn, and Extremely religious.
When we were kids, my older sibling and I would generally gang up on YS and exclude YS from our activities. YS does not hold this against me, this is surprising because YS is a grudge holder, my grandmother once yelled at YS for hiding a banana peel in a dresser drawer (reasonable? I think yes.) YS has never forgiven her and has not spoken to said grandmother since (full disclosure I do not like this grandmother and do not speak to her either, in fact I don’t even know if she is still alive).
YS tries really hard to fit into societal expectations and norms, and somehow is slightly off. YS was never a good student and has a hard time knowing when it’s appropriate to say what, but if people get to know YS they realized that the lack of social skills is more than made up for with YS’s big heart. If someone befriends YS they will have someone who is there for them whenever they need someone. YS is a wonderful listener and doesn’t generally try to give unsolicited advice.
YS I love you, I wish that we were closer. I accept that we are different and will never have the sibling relationship of the movies. That being said I will strive to include you more in my life and be more tolerant when I find you annoying (well I’ll try).
Also this is kind of related, just because you were around your best friends siblings when you were kids does not mean you can say mean things about those siblings. It is okay for me to pick on my YS and to be mean to my YS but nobody else can. I don't care how long we have been friends and how long you have known my YS, I will always defend my YS. Just because you don't have your own siblings and you felt like your friends siblings were like your own, they weren't, you don't make fun of someone else's sibling. I know that BB doesn't read this but I thought I'd vent because it makes me mad when BB picks on YS and makes fun of YS. YS is socially awkward, not stupid, YS knows when you are making fun, even if YS doesn't say anything.
Until next time,
Me
Thursday, April 28, 2011
'X' marks the spot!
Dear Diary,
Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘X’. As in ‘X’ marks the spot. I love adventures of any kind, especially if there is competition included, but not athletic competition because then I’d loose, and who likes to loose? Give me a competition with adventure and puzzles and creativity; that I love. Treasure hunts where there are clues at each stop, where you have to figure out the meaning. Scavenger hunts where you have to find things before the other team, especially the new photo scavenger hunts where you can also have to do something at certain locations.
I love watching ‘The Amazing Race’, I love the idea of it, I don’t know that I would do well on the race, because I’m vegan and I wouldn’t do any of the ‘eat this’ challenges, and I get snappy when I’m tired (I have no idea how SO puts up with me) I get mean when I’m frustrated; basically I would make a terrible partner on that show.
SO and I recently played laser tag for the first time, and I can’t help but thing how awesome would it be to combined laser tag and a treasure hunt? ‘X’ marks the spot and don’t get shot. I know I’d play!
Until next time,
Me
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