Apprehension

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter ‘A’. Apprehension is the ‘a’ word that comes to mind, not like you apprehend a criminal more the “anticipation of adversity or misfortune”. There are many things changing in my life right now, I’m sure most will eventually be for the better, but right now I’m very apprehensive about said changes. I don’t know why I’m apprehensive about these changes; it probably has something to do with the cost of them and our lack of income. These changes are not really a choice they were kind of forced by multiple sources; I guess if they were a choice I wouldn’t be so apprehensive about it. Right now I feel lots of scary ‘A’ words, apprehensive, annoyed, artificial and a little anticipatory. I know that normally I’m pessimistic but I’m trying to be optimistic on this one, I’ll let you know how it turns out.

Until next time,

Me

People my age

Dear Diary,

I was wasting time on facebook today and I realized that I'm not like other people my age. I look at people my age and I just don't fit with that group. Some examples:

People my age are not supposed to be renting a crap ass apartment with their SO and BB.
They have mortgages on houses with families or condos living it up bachelor style.

People my age have careers, they have a place they are supposed to go a set number of days a week, and it might be a crappy career, but it's one they chose.
Not a job they take because it's the only thing they can get, that only lasts long enough to pay the bills for a while.

People my age have families (see most of the people my age on facebook) or live extravagant lifestyles (look at my friend who has been snowboarding like 100 times this season, or my other friend who decided to go the Hawaii for a long weekend because it was something new) or they do both (like my friends who took their family which includes 2 children to Greece, because that's where they wanted to vacation).
They do not hope to do these things some day,  they do it now.

Why do people my age do it now, because if we wait too much longer we will be old. I have total respect for people who do adventurous things in their 70's and 80's (and don't get me wrong I have a good 40 + years before I'm in that age bracket) and you have to have some admiration for people who start families latter in live, because really kids are a lot of work, and who wants to be chasing toddlers for retirement? I realize that this is a very pessimistic view, but I think we have already established I'm a pessimistic person.

Point? Right sometimes I loose sight of that. I remember when I was learning to read in elementary school; the kids who were advanced were the eagles, the kids who were average were bluebirds, and the slow kids were sparrows (kind of mean right since sparrow is a more difficult word to figure out than bluebird). Anyway I was an eagle and I always felt bad for the sparrows because they were so far behind the rest of us. Now I feel like I'm the only sparrow watching the eagles soar and hearing the bluebirds sing, while I'm doing nothing. How did I go from figuring things out so easily to always feeling like I'm trying to catch  up?

Does anyone else ever feel like they become more developmentally challenged as they progress through life?

This is my diary

Dear Diary,

Well I guess this is my diary so it will be full of my private thoughts and feelings about; well anything and probably everything that comes into my mind as I type. I will probably express thoughts and feeling that many people do not agree with and may offend someone, I apologize in advance (hopefully I haven't offended anyone yet). On that note I need to clarify something, I am writing this for myself, I do not expect many people or any people to read this, I am doing this as a type of therapy, and making it public might help keep me honest. It will not be the most exciting reading, because lets face it my life is not exciting. In fact I am a bit of a home body.

I think I should start by documenting where I am in my life right now. I am basically no where, see not exciting at all.  I live with my fiance (I know I'm quite the heathen, living together before marriage) but we have been engaged for years and together for years before that, basically we have been together longer than a lot of marriages have lasted. I also live with my best buddy who I have known longer than I have been in my relationship with my significant other. There will be a lot on this topic, because I have learned a lot about friendship, and myself through this experience.

My significant other and myself have both been unemployed longer than I care to think about and since both of us are very capable and intelligent people and one of us (the one that is not me) has a graduate degree I am very disillusioned by the length of our unemployment . I have reason to hope that my unemployment will end soon, but I've thought that before with discouraging results, so we shall see.

I am not the most positive of people, in fact if I'm honest (see making this public is already helping) I'm naturally pessimistic. If someone says they will meet me somewhere at a specific time and they are not there my mind jumps right to them lying dead in a ditch somewhere being eaten by rabid raccoons. The prospect of them running into a little traffic never enters my head. What does enter my thoughts, that they really hate me and just didn't want to tell me they never wanted to meet me in the first place. The everybody must hate me thoughts generally come right after the raccoons have consumed their appendages, but never does something so benign as a flat tire or a road construction detour enter my mind.

I don't like confrontation, I have elaborate debates and arguments in my head (where my point of view is always victorious). In real life I generally just smile and agree then tell someone else (who I think will see my point of view) what I was thinking and how the other person was wrong or completely illogical. The point in stating that I am pessimistic and dislike confrontation is that these are things I am trying to work on. Nothing wrong with trying to improve myself, but I do have my work cut out for me.

I think right now I might be fighting a slight case of depression (if I am it is completely reasonable given life events which I'm sure I'll get into at some point) because I find it hard to motivate myself to do much of anything, most days I stay in watching television shows on the computer. I'm not actually sure if I'm depressed or just unimaginative it's kind of hard to think of things to do on cold rainy days when you have no money. Or is that just another excuse or justification (I'm really good at those).

Okay enough about where I am, maybe my next entry will be about dreams for the future and where I hope to go. I have a bucket list floating around somewhere maybe I'll put that in here, it will be good to have all my thoughts in a centralized location.

Until next time,
Me